Friday, September 30, 2005
HAHAHA Suckers!!!

My computer!!!

I'm mean, there's a big long line of people waiting to get on the computer and I'm just gonna sit here and blog blog blog. Other people can be nice.

Today I'm feeling in a listing type mood so may I present:

Things that baffle me!!!

This morning on the radio I heard about an opera opening somewhere that's about the discovery of the atom bomb. Uhm, can I just ask why? A movie, sure. A regular old talkie type play even, but an opera? What could you possibly find to sing about the discovery of the atom bomb. And who would wake up one morning and think, "The atom bomb, she is my muse." Crazy.

In other related news, Elton John corroborated on a musical based on Anne Rices character Lestat. Really, does he need to sing? Don't get me wrong, I love Anne Rice, and Elton John for that matter, I just don't see the two blending very well. Maybe I'm wrong.

The phrase "I could care less." What does that mean? Does that mean you do care? If so why not just say "I care". Wouldn't the correct phrase be "I couldn't care less"? Maybe it is I couldn't care less and Cedar City just says it wrong.

Boys. Need I go on?

It is COLD here. It was especially cold two days ago, I was walking around with an undershirt a long sleeved t-shirt and a sweater and freezing my butt off. Apparently some girls I go to school with are impervious to temerature because they still find it suitable to wear mini-skirts and tank-tops. CRAZY PEOPLE!

Girl whiskers. I've mentioned this before but I'll mention it again. How is it possible to grow an inch long hair out of my chin overnight but impossible to grow my hair out an inch? HOW?

Where did all my links go? They've been missing for awhile and I e-mailed blogger (I also lost an entire post) and then yesterday night they miraculously reappeared but then today, they're gone again.

My statistics teacher. No, scratch that. The people that hired my statistics teacher. I mean didn't they think that maybe statistics is hard enough? That maybe hiring a woman who doesn't speak english might overcomplicate things??? That maybe students would be a little annoyed by this turn of events???

The school blocking off the main throughway on campus. If you want to get to upper campus from lower campus, that's the best way to do it. Then why oh why would you choose the first couple months of school to undertake a huge construction project BLOCKING IT OFF. No, no don't worry, I can heft my 100 pound backpack another block.

My boss's boss. The term is socially inept. I mean didn't he grow up around people? Didn't he observe proper behavior between people. Does he not know that introducing 2 out of 3 people present to someone is RUDE! Yeah, I got my feelings a little hurt. He doesn't even call me my name, he calls me "The Student." "Pam, could you have the student make some copies for me?" Say my name BITCH!

Update: When did I become such a huge geek?? This fliar popped up on my computer in CSIS about becoming a CSIS major and a list of all the fun things they'll do at the open house and it sounds like fun. Nobody else even knows what they're talking about....

OK, the people in line now realize that I'm slacking and are starting to glare. I better make a run for it before they get out the pitchforks....

Wednesday, September 28, 2005
The Singles Ward

Also known as the Mormon Meat Market

Disclaimer: I have hesitated to write about my religion much here. Mostly because I know there may be questions and I'm afraid I won't be able to answer them right. Though I'll try. Feel free to ask in comments or you can e-mail me. I don't want to sour anybody's ideas about my church, they are good people with good values. Some of them are just a little...shall we say...zealous. This is an issue that matters to them (and me) and they feel very strongly about it. Also, for the rest of this post, when I say "cows" I mean it in a nice way. :)

Marriage is very important in my religion. It’s considered a celestial law, meaning basically if you’re not married, you don’t get into the highest level of heaven. Lucky for me I don’t plan on dying anytime soon so I’m in no great rush to tie the noose…I mean knot. We’re taught from a very young age to “prepare now for an eternal marriage”. A good goal to be sure, something to strive for, great, good, whatever, now shut up.

The Singles Ward happens to you when you turn 18 and start going to college. After going to church with your family for your entire life, you’re set free, turned loose into one of two types of University Wards. If you’re crazy and got married RIGHT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL (it happens) then you go to the Married Ward and that part of your worries is over. If you’re normal (by my definition) you head to a singles ward where you will be constantly rebuffed until you escape to the Married Ward. I am in the Singles Ward.

The singles ward. There’s a movie about it. Do you want to know why it’s so funny? Because it’s true. All the little things they say that are so outlandish and downright insane, people really say. The ideas they have about dating and marriage, REAL. The matchmaking, actually goes on. The girls openly weeping about their breakups in front of an entire congregation, yeah, happened last Sunday. I however, see things a little differently. I see the poor girls in a Singles Ward as three different kinds of cows, and the men they’re trying to impress, as farmers.

At least once a month in a Singles Ward you will hear of someone getting engaged. If you’re me, it will be someone younger than you. Someone who hasn’t had the opportunity to become bitter and guarded, probably someone who has never even had their heart good and broken. For these cows it was easy. They walk into the Mormon Meat Market all fresh and doe-eyed, they were bred for this, to be the champion. Their mother did it, all of their sisters did it, everyone they know did it. They know that they’re there for one purpose and one alone. To find “HIM” and I ain’t talking about God. “HE” is their man, the one that will give them status, a reason to live, the one that will change their tires, and check their oil. “HE” will bring home the paycheck so she can stay home and take care of their 10 kids. Their farmer will take care of them, feed them, clothe them, nurture and protect them. OK, I may be exaggerating things here. But not much. Yes, for them they simply walk into the church, flutter their mascara filled lashes, giggle a bit, and then WHAM! Like a sledge hammer to the head, they’re engaged. Before they even had the chance to get to know themselves, they hand themselves over to someone else. I used to want to be one of them.

If you’re not one of the “lucky few” who end up hauled…I mean swooped…off their feet. The next stage is the “Pick Me”. These poor cows are not the best of the best. They haven’t been bred for generations back to attract potential farmers. They have to work at it a little harder. They have to wake up early on auction day, grooming and primping, choosing their wardrobes carefully. They must show enough “udder” to make the farmers look twice, but not so much that they seem desperate. They scoff at the weather, wearing their sandals and short skirts on the coldest of days. If nothing else than for the excuse to snuggle, or, if they’re lucky borrow a suit jacket to wear to the next class. They work hard and the “lucky ones” attract “HIM” and are whisked away to their new farm. I used to be one of them.

I am the third cow. The kind that is past “prime buying time”. If you’ve reached 22 and are still unwed, you’re doing something wrong. You’ve reached the point of pity. You’re not completely hopeless, but let’s face it; the good farmers are already gone. People you love, and who love you will ask “if you’re seeing anyone.” And saying no and seeing that look of pity on their face…well, it’s unpleasant. In this phase you get riddled with pep talks. People that “care” say things like, “He’s wondering where you are as much as you’re wondering about him” and “Your time will come” and, my personal favorite, “Don’t worry, he’s out there somewhere”. Ya know what? He might not be. I don’t believe that there’s someone out there for everyone. I don’t believe that if you’re just patient he’ll come along. In the third group there are two subgroups. We’ll call them group 3A and 3B. Group 3A hears the pep talks and believes them with every fiber of their poor deluded little being. When they’re asked if they’re seeing anyone they half smile half frown and reply “No, but I know I’ll find him…someday.” Group 3B (my group) here the same questions, listen to the same pep talks and simply smile and nod. “Suuuuure Grandma, whatever helps you sleep at night.” We have reached the point where, when we hear about a new engagement, we think “But you’re so young. Get out an LIVE before you curl up and die.” Not that I think getting married and dying are related but to these cows, they live to find “HIM”, once they’ve found him, they don’t know what to do with themselves. I am the third cow, subgroup B, single and not banking on that changing. Will it? Maybe. Am I basing my life on finding Mr. Right? No. It’s just another farm, I’m gonna try my hand and being free range beef for awhile.

I didn’t even talk about the damn farmers. They don’t even have to try. They just sit back and watch the parade, they hold the reins to this circus. They drop a smile here and there, maybe drape an arm over an unsuspecting cow, then the cow goes into her bit. Baking cookies, making dinner, cleaning apartments. The poor cows don’t even know that they’re being played. Even if they win, do they even know what they’re winning? Do they even realize that they’re just in for more of the same, sans the uncertainty? They’re still getting milked! They’re still baking cookies, making dinner, and cleaning apartments, but now they’re doing laundry and changing diapers too.

Did I mention the no premarital sex? And people wonder why we marry so young. HORMONES!! Even if you set aside the pressure from friends, parents, church leaders, and people you don’t even know, you’re still not getting any until you say I do.

Don’t get me wrong, I want these things. I want the husband, and the children, and the “farm” but not right now. I have things to do, people to see, places to go. So like I said, SHUT UP!

Pardon my absence
I've been a little flustered this week.

I am however working on an entry near and dear to my heart but having some trouble getting things to flow. I'm going to try to have it done later today. Posted tomorrow at the latest. Meanwhile I have good news! I got 9 out of 10 on my first statistics quiz! WOO HOO! I got a C on my biology test however. Sucks but at least I passed right? Well, I guess I better relinquish my computer to someone who actually has homework for a while. I'll write more soon.

Thursday, September 22, 2005
Crappity crap crap crappy
I forgot my "Today's thing I learned"! Here it is:

Today's thing I learned:
I need more hot sexy boots!!

These boots...

May not have been made for walking, but damn I look pretty :)

I love boots. I love boots with big chunky heels, which make my legs even more like they go on forever. Today I am all powerful in my cute black boots. Ooooooh yeah.... Sadly, the cute stilleto pointy toed boots in the picture are not my boots...yet. Mine only go up a little past my ankle and have a square toe and big chunky heels. I really want to get some cute boots for winter though. Tennies may be nice, but they're so boring. Anyway the reason for my ode to boots today is because I feel pretty. I've lost a little weight since school started, I'm wearing my cute dark jeans, and my favorite purple pin-stripe blouse. My hair cooperated, my make-up's not all flaky like it has been lately and best of all I'm sitting at a statuesque six feet tall in my big boots. This morning I strutted into my class about 10 minutes late and everybody looked up at me. I didn't even feel self concious or anything I just thought "Yeah that's right, drink it all in."

Interestingly, we talked about height in class today. My teacher asked how tall I was and I said usually around 5'10" today more like 6', and that was the end of the conversation. Then after class, Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome chased me down. I didn't even know he was walking next to me until I heard him ask "You're 5'10"?" The rest of the conversation was relatively uneventful. We talked about height, he thinks it's cool that I'm 5'10" and still wear high heels. We talked about class and our goofy teacher and the lesson we had that day. Then I headed up to work. "Where are you going?" he asked.
"Where's work?" I pointed to the building I was walking into and smiled. "What do you do?"
All this interest in lil 'ol me. I do declare the attention will surely go to my head.
"I'm the secretary for plant operations."
"Plant operations? Like botany?" He says.
Smart and kind of dumb in the same sentence...cute.
"Not that kind of plant. We take care of the physical side of the campus...blah blah blah..."
"Oh," he says a little sheepish.
"Kind of confusing sometimes, we do take care of plants though." I add reassuringly.
He smiles and I head into the building.
"What's your name anyway?" He calls.
"Katy." I say turning around.
"Bye Katy." He says.
I glanced over my shoulder to see him still standing at the sidewalk watching me go. That's right...I'm feelin good today.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I studied!!!

It's a trilogy.

I had my first Biology test today. I think I did fair to mostly sunny. At the end of the test was a little note from the teacher that said "You have reached the end. I hope you did well and giggled out loud at least once." What is there to giggle about in a Biology test you may ask? Well, if this guy is the author plenty. For instance:

Of these types of bonds, which is the weakest?
a) Ionic Bond
b) Covalent Bond
c) James Bond
d) Hydrogen Bond

All of the questions had a lovely little nugget like that in it which makes guessing a lot easier. Well...I know it's now James Bond, cuz he's really strong...and uhm not in the text.

Anywho, I studied last night. After evil statistics class, I went over to the library and settled in. I found the nicest place to study. As you can see there's a rather large round window at the front of the library. It spans the second and third floors and is the absolute coolest! My new favorite study place is on the third floor. It's only about half of the building because of the angle of the window and it's open to the study area below. Facing the window on the third floor is a long semi-circular desk. You can see out the whole window. It's very quiet (espeially when I'm there because I have no problem giving the icy stare of death to library talkers) and so peaceful. When you look up you're faced with nothing but the sky and trees and mountains. I wish I could find a picture. Maybe I'll just go take one.

On an entirely different note, you know what baffles me?? I'm trying to grow my hair out right? Well how come it takes so long to grow the hair on your head but you can wake up one morning with a half an inch long hair sticking out of your chin like magic? Not fair.

This is probably going to be an add on kind of day. Or a two post day. Or maybe my life is just to dull to necessitate anything longer than this.

Today's thing I learned:
The goodness of your parking place directly coincides with your on timeness. If you're a few minutes late, you can get a parking place right by the door. If you're on time, you can get a parking place clear in BFE, and you'll be late anyway, If you're early, there ain't no parking nowhere.

Update! I got 100% on my communications test that I didn't study for AND my Computer systems test that I didn't study for. Still no word on my Stats test, but I'd be good with an 85% which I feel pretty good about. I should know my biology test score tomorrow.

Monday, September 19, 2005
Well, it happened.

The first encounter.

It's my bosses birthday, well it was yesterday. So Julie and I ran over to the bookstore to get a card. There I was minding my own business when who should I see standing in line?? Him... That's yep, after a year of his blissful absence he made an appearance. I was cool, I was collected, I walked my little self over to the line and stood in mock obliviousness to his very existence. He of course returned the favor. Then he saw me. Damn. The conversation went as follows:

>:[ : Hey long time no see.
Me: Yeah.
Inner Me: Yeah it's been since you married the evil hoe bag with not so much as see you later. Rat bastard.
>:[ : How are ya?
Me: Great.
Inner Me: Great til I saw your ugly mug. Rat bastard
>:[ : Good. What have you been up to?
Me: Nothing.
Inner Me: Plotting your painful and bloody demise. Rat bastard
>:[ : You're up to something now.
Me: Not really.
Inner Me: Oh I'm up to plenty right now, but you don't get to hear about any of it because you're a rat bastard.
>:[ : Well, see ya later.
Me: Yeah, hopefully not for another year.
Inner Me: RAT BASTARD!!!
>:[ : What?
Me: Nothing.

And there ya have it. I think I handled it well all things considered. No blood shed. No screaming. I don't even feel the urge to cry. However, I was told I turned the same color as my shirt, which is this color. Kind of a bright salmony. But all things considered, I think getting a little orange is to be expected. He felt like a total ass and I felt all warm and fuzzy and empowered inside. Especially when I caught checking out the old left hand. No, I'm not married you rat bastard. I wasted enough time on you, I'm being a hell of a lot more picky this time. And now that the first encounter is over, and I know I totally handled it like a champ, I feel fabulous.

Today's thing I learned:
I deserve sooooo much better than him... K I already knew that but it doesn't hurt to get some serious reinforcement.

I should have been studying

The sequel!!

48 hours people. I had 48 hours to study for the quiz that I knew I had in Biology today. Did I study?? No. I hung out with the fam friday night at Pizza Factory. (Sophie wanted to know where "Uncle Rob" was). Saturday I spent the first half of the day hanging out with Boo and Sophie rather than going to Vegas with mom and dad to take Jon to the airport. We had fun, we went and got tea, went to the library, did a little grocery shopping, went to the kite store, and snagged a pizza before going home to make cupcakes. Honestly my sister is so cute with her little girl. I just love watching them together.

After Boo and Sophie left, I hunkered down for some serious study time. I did math for a few hours and then could go on no longer. "No problem" I told myself, "you have all day Sunday to study for Biology and Computer Systems." So I started in on the books I got from the Library. BAD IDEA!!!!! I started the series Saturday night and have already read two of them. True they're pretty easy reads but still!!! And the whole time I was reading yesterday I was thinking, "One more chapter. Then you'll go study up for Biology and Computer Systems." Whatever! 11 o'clock last night I finally put the book down but by then it's not like I could start studying, I had to be to class in the morning. Then when I got to class this morning (late) the quiz was up on the board and the professor said 3 minutes right as I sat down. THREE MINUTES??? I'm only like two minutes late!! What do you mean THREE MINUTES??? So I hauled ass through the quiz and totally blew it. But then he said OK, now you have ten minutes to use your notes, your book, your neighbor whatever. So I checked my answers with the book and I'm smarter than I thought I was, the answers I had were right. However, I only had three out of ten answers!! But I found the rest and as I found them I thought, duuuuh, you know that. However, something tells me he's not going to let us use our books on the 100 point test on Wednesday. And, I have a test in a half hour in computer systems. Ya know what that means. SHUT UP AND STUDY!!!!!!

Todays thing I learned:
It's not a good idea to start a series of Tamora Pierce books the weekend before you have three tests.

Friday, September 16, 2005
I should be studying

But I'm not so :P

I have a test in my communications class in about 50 minutes. I though that it was Wednesday so I studied for it then. Then I realized I needed a scantron and a number 2 pencil, and that I didn't have either so after getting off work I hauled ass over to the bookstore to buy them. The pencil that I chose wouldn't ring up on the cash register so the lady had to look it up. I didn't want to be rude because it wasn't her fault I was so terribly unprepared but I finally just said "You know what? I'll just pick another pencil." Then she found it and I paid. While she was getting my change the lady at the other register came and STOLE MY PENCIL! I guess she wanted to see why it wouldn't ring up. I was like "Uhm lady, I need my pencil, for a test that started ten minutes ago." But again, it wasn't her fault I was terribly unprepared so I just said "I'll get you another pencil from the same display so you can check with that one but I'm kind of in a hurry." And she just glared and handed it over like she was so put out that I would need MY pencil. Whatever, no time to be catty. So I snatched my pencil, and my packpack (which they don't let you take into the store, you have to leave it just sitting in the hallway, yeah that's safe) and jogged to class, burst through the door and saw everyone calmly taking notes while the teacher reviewed for the test. Next time Katy dear, read the freaking syllabus.

In totally unrelated news, I don't feel good. As I mentioned I was all covered in little red spots which my mom and brother are speckled with as well. At first my mom thought it was fleas. Greeeeeeat. But Becky really didn't want it to be fleas so she did a little research and found folliculitis. I tried to find a picture on google images, but uhm...gross. Anyway, yesterday I started feeling all tingly and achey and all around gross. So I was talking to a friend yesterday and told her about my yuckiness and the first thing she said was "I hope you don't have meningitis". Yeah me too! Shut up! So I decided to do a little research, I googled all my symptoms and the first thing it came up with was Scarlet Fever. But I don't really have a fever, I just feel feverish (yeah to me there's a difference) then Meningitis, I have 7 of the 8 listed symptoms (gasp) and then mono. Of course, I could just be coming down with the flu. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. Needless to say I'm making my way over to the wellness center today after class to rule out the bad nasties. I really don't think it's meningitis because today I feel better instead of worse but yesterday I was all freaked out!

Last night I had a freaky dream. I was an astronaut on the space station and I was pregnant and nobody knew before I left, not even me, and I had to give birth in space and risk bringing a baby back in the space shuttle. Yeah, it was pretty weird. Anyway, I guess I better run to class. Wish my luck on my test.

Today's thing I learned!!
Its best to not read blogs by people you KNOW will make you laugh in the library, or classroom. You either A) Laugh out loud causing people to glare at you, or B) Turn all red from trying not to laugh out loud and cause people to think you're having a seizure due to all the jiggling.

Update: I don't know how I did but I was like the third person done and it only took me about 14 minutes to finish. There were only a couple that I didn't know for sure.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Filling the void...

Today's epiphany.

I used to be able to just be friends with boys. In fact, I had some really great boy friends who were absolutely nothing like boyfriends. Then something happened. I don't know what it was, but now, every male of the species I see is a prospective suitor. I base my esteem of him on whether or not I would want to marry him. STUPID! I realized this yesterday while debating with a very nice boy in my statistics class about quartiles. He was fun, entertaining, and nice, after class while we were talking he seemed sincerely interested in my life, he was a breath of fresh air to be around. However I found myself thinking, he's shorter than me, and not really physically my type so, c-ya later mister. When I caught myself thinking what I had been thinking I was ashamed, annoyed and quite frankly pissed at myself. I was writing him off as anything simply because I couldn't see myself dating, and eventually marrying him. So I had some more thinking to do. This quandary necessitated some serious pondering. When did I turn into this terrible, shallow, female? This woman who wouldn't even consider a friendship with a person based on whether or not I could ever see myself being with him. I was acting terribly, I was acting foolishly, I was acting, dare I say, like a man! So I spent the next couple hours wondering to myself. "Self," I said, "What is your problem?" and self answered "You're lonely." Aw-ha! I was lonely... am lonely... whatever.... I was looking at every man I came across as a replacement, a possibility for filling the void. By judging every man that came along as a "possibility" I wasn't giving myself time to get to know them. How can you fall in love with someone you don't even like? Worse yet, you haven't even tried to like. I have been wandering around waiting for lightening to strike. Waiting to meet some handsome young mans eyes and just know, "He's the one. The void is filled." I feel great! I feel liberated! I feel like I am now free to be myself, be friends with boys without thinking like a generic Utah 20-something. I can take on the world.

On a less liberating note. I am itchy. I have no idea what it is, but today around 4 I broke out in little spots all over my arms, then chest, stomach, and legs. My mom thinks it's the jacuzzi. If I am allergic to the jacuzzi I am going to be very sad, very sad indeed.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005
K, Really this time.
I'm done.

Dinner went well last night. He's a very quiet boy but him and my dad have a lot in common and therefore a lot to talk about. Becky asked the defining questions, "If you could have any super power, what would it be?" and "If you could invite three people, out of anyone who ever lived, to dinner, who would it be?" He scored well on the super power question, but was pretty dull with the dinner question. Then we went to a church party thing called Family Home Evening (I know, I was home with my's complicated) and met up with Holly. Accidentally on purpose. She had called his cell phone during dinner and when he didn't answer she called mine. She really does have the best timing ever.... Anyway, we met up with her and he decided we should all go watch a movie. So again, my evening with Rob turns into my evening with Rob and Holly. Shit. On the way to pick a movie with Rob (Holly was in her car) I finally just asked him.

Me: Can I ask you a personal question?
Rob: Sure, doesn't mean I have to anser.
Me: Fair enough, do you have a thing for Holly?
Rob: Silence....
Me: Is this your way of not answering?
Rob: I'm thinking....I don't know.
Me: You don't know?
Rob: I haven't decided yet?
Me: You haven't decided yet? You guys have been friends for how many years now?
Rob: Yeah, it's been a long time.
Me: But you don't know.
Rob: Why? Is she confused about it?
Me: I'm not asking for her. I'm asking for me.
Rob: Silence plus blank stare. Oh.
Me: Oh...

The end. The rest of the evening followed suit. Holly picked up another guy on the way to watching the movie, and they sat all snuggled up on one chair, while Rob and I sat as far apart as possible on the couch. I felt like I was back in High School. I'm with the guy that likes the girl that's with some other guy. There were more stimulating little bits of conversation but really, why relive the pain? Let's just say that I am now more anti-man than ever. And if I happened to confuse the hell out of Rob, good. Let him stew and brood for three weeks. Maybe by the time he gets back I'll have enough guts to tell him how it was and then he can sit and pine for what could have been. Yeah I'm bitter.

Sunday, September 11, 2005
He said she said...

Uhm, what just happened?

Rob sat by me at church today. Not so confusing. But then after the meeting was over he started making excuses for why I hadn't heard from him all week. I just nodded my head understandingly and made small talk. I didn't tell him it was OK, I didn't validate his disappearing act in any way. I just asked him if he was excited for Egypt and changed the subject. Holly told him he had to bring her back a pyramid, I told him a picture of a pyramid would be sufficient. He said it had been weird to not talk to me all week, I acted like I hadn't even noticed. He mentioned he saw the note I left on his car last week and meant to call me. I just said "Yeah but you didn't". He said he saw it again a couple days ago and meant to call again, I smiled and said again, "yeah, but you didn't". Then I got his full attention for a few minutes while we discussed the motorcycle test he has yet to take, and things about work and computers. Before we parted ways I mentioned casually that it was too bad he was leaving Tuesday because my parents were making ribs on Monday. I thought this was safe, obviously he would want to spend that time with his family. He asked what time dinner was at. I said I didn't want to take him away from his family the night before he left and he said not to worry about it, he could make time for me and ribs. So, uhm, what just happened? Rob is spending the night before he leaves for Egypt with me and my family. I keep telling myself not to think about it. We can just be friends. We are just friends. Friends have dinner at other friends houses. Why can't I just have a normal relationship with a guy? One with no stupid questions, no stupid games, and no stupid other girls????

Wednesday, September 07, 2005
I Bitch therefore I am...
Maybe I should rename my blog...

Yesterday basically sucked. I'm not going to get in to the minor point, the whos and whys. Mostly it was because of me and because I had decided it was going to. It not as though I woke up that morning and thought to myself, "Well Katy, you've been happy too long. It's time for a bad day." But I did wake up with the realization that it was time to say goodbye to my infatuation with Handsome Rob. For now. Which cast a big black cloud over the rest of my day. Here is my rationale, Handsome Rob does not know what he wants. I am not in the mood to invest my heart and feelings in a person that will probably just kick my ass like everybody else. Plus, I am finding myself in the same old situation. That of being the strong, independant, woman in a love triangle with a guy that I like and a very weak minded, needy girl. Both of the times this has happened, I ended up still alone and the other two people ended up married. I realized that after seeing Ean yesterday. He was on his bike, I was in my car, and I got this overwhelming urge to run him over. Alas, I didn't run him over. OOOOH how I wanted to. Luckily my unfortunate interlude triggered a memory in my brain. I remembered what it felt like to be chosen over and I decided I didn't want to experience that feeling anymore. I decided that in order to not experience that feeling anymore I shouldn't dream of pursuing a relationship with someone who may or may not be interested in someone else. It's all or nothing folks. This is the new and improved Katy. She might be a little bitter, she might not make you cookies just because you're having a bad day, she probably won't even leave you cute little notes on your truck to tell you to have a nice day. Katy is from now on looking out for numero uno in that big bad dating battle. And when/if someone is ready to give me their all, we'll re-evaluate the cookie situation. I will no longer allow men to have their cake and eat it to. I'm too special. I need a lot of love and attention and when some nice boy decides he wants a relationship with me, there won't be any doubt that I'm the only one he's interested in. I'm worth it. I'm not going to try and buy some idiots affection with homemade goodies and little love notes. I should be enough. I'm not going to fight for someone's affections anymore. Let them fight for me. They might see a bitter man hater, I see safe. Go ahead, boys just try and change my mind.

Sunday, September 04, 2005
I'm a little ___________
a) annoyed
b) confused
c) frustrated
d)all of the above.

If you chose D congratulations, you win a pony. This is the third time I've tried to write this blog. This time, come hell or high water I'm going to finish. Settle in, it's long, and probably dull.

Rob and I went out on Friday. With Crazy Holly of course. It was her birthday on Thursday so he had invited me to go along with them for birthday dinner. We had fun. Holly complained about everything, went over the details of her motorcycle accident for the jillionth time, and made us decide what she wanted for dinner while Rob and I teased and flirted and joked. The Applebees crew came and sang the Happy Happy Birthday song and Rob and I shared the Sunday they brought because as I've mentioned, Holly is lactose intolerant and can't eat ice cream. Poor thing. Then the waitress asked how to split the check and Rob said all on one. All on one? Really? What does this mean? Local friends say that Rob invited me to go along with them because he didn't want Holly to think they were on a date. Therefore, I figured we weren't on a date. I assumed he would pay for Holly's dinner because it was her birthday, but I was completely prepared to pay for my own meal. Then, out of the blue, all on one. So are we on a date now? Are all three of us on a date? I. Am. So. Confused.

After dinner Rob mentions that he needs to go pick "something" up from his "friends" house. He doesn't know where that friend lives, he doesn't remember that "friends" name, and he can't explain what the "something" is. Ooooookay. When we find the "friends" house Holly decides "we" want to wait in the car. Rob says he doesn't know how long he'll be. Holly says if "we're" in the car then it will give him an excuse to leave sooner. Rob says we have to come and opens my door. I jump out because I don't want to wait in the car I want to go with Rob. This makes Holly get out of the car because she doesn't want to wait alone. We get there, we go in, I notice about 10 of our friends sitting in the living room with a birthday cake and the little light goes on. Rob planned a surprise party for Holly. Again, what does this mean? Would a guy friend go to that much trouble for a girl that was just his friend? If they're more than just friends, why then would he invite me to go to dinner with them? And why didn't he tell me about the surprise party? Again. I. Am. So. Confused. Rob's all smiley, I'm more surprised than Holly is, in fact, Holly seems annoyed. We all sit down, we have cake, I keep shooting Rob "Why didn't you tell me?" looks, and he just smiles. We all decide to go watch a movie at my house and Holly promptly falls asleep about five minutes into National Treasue. I distribute pillows and blankets and we all stretch out and enjoy the movie. I SWEAR I caught Rob looking at me at LEAST twice. But that could be wishful thinking. Movie ends, everybody leaves, and I sit, confused.

Rob came over around noon the next day to fix the scooter. Holly showed up about 15 minutes later to give me back the pajama pants she had borrowed the night before and get her skirt. She stands, staring at Rob's back while he works on the scooter (He has tools, lots of tools, and knows how to use them. That's hott.) Finally she realizes that Rob is ignoring her and that I'm not exactly thrilled to have her there, and she leaves. Good girl. The menfolk are hungry and it's lunchtime so I make hamburgers, big huge juicy good ones. The way to a mans heart is through his stomach right? We sit, we have lunch, Rob gets a phone call from his brother who's in Iraq, and I clean up the dishes. Then we decide to go to a movie and invite Rob to go with us and he wants to go. With me and my parents, to a movie. Yeah, weird. Do boys go to movies with girls who are their friends and said girls parents? Or is that an "I'm trying to impress your family" type move? I. Am. So. Confused!!!! Then, the movie doesn't start for two more hours. Whatever will we do to fill the time? Rob mentioned the night before that he needed new shoes and Holly said they should go shopping but Rob already had plans to fix the schooter so Holly went shopping with her mom instead telling Rob that they could go Monday. But I beat her to it! We have two hours to kill, let's shop. So Rob and I go buy Rob new shoes, go to the craft store (that's right, he went to the craft store with me, he is a good man.) We went to Wal-mart to get note cards, and then went to the sporting goods store for him. That took up two hours nicely. Then we ran back to wal-mart for movie treats, which he bought, and head to the movie theatre. I bought the tickets to pay him back for the treats and then paid for the sodas we bought. When he tried to pay me for the sodas I said "Don't worry about it, I still owe you from dinner." Then he got this strange look on his face, almost like I had hurt his feelings and said "Oh, whatever." Hmmmm. Strange. After the movie he went home, I went shopping with Mom and Boo, and when I got home I had a message from Crazy Holly. She was bored and wanted me to entertain her but I didn't want to entertain her so I called her back to tell her I was busy and she informed me that it was OK because she was going to a movie with Mike and Rob. Eh? I wish I could bug Rob's cell phone. Just for the conversations with Holly. It would make life so much easier. Did Holly call him and beg to be entertained? Did Rob call her? Are they on a date with an awkward third wheel by the name of Mike? Why was I not invited? And why oh WHY am I analyzing this whole situation to death? I'll tell you why.

I am not a go out on a limb kind of person. I am a very safe, secure, two feet on the ground, kind of person. I have been seriously damaged by past relationships and I am NOT going to put myself through that again. Especially if there's any chance that the person I am looking to form a relationship with is going to fall for the weaker, girlier, more needy friend. I am still trying to find that delicate balance between safe, and cynical. So, I have to know. I have to know that I am not taking an unnecessary risk. Risk is ok, but if I am going to allow myself to fall any harder for this guy I am damn well gonna be sure that he doesn't have feelings for Holly first. Everything was fine when I woke up this morning. I was still able to tell myself that we were just friends and that whatever was going to happen would happen. Then at church today, he sat by Holly when he could literally just as easily have sat by me. A little sting to the ego but I was OK. We were just friends, he could sit by whoever he wanted. But something happened in that hour. Sitting there, quietly thinking, I found myself thinking more of him than anything else, hoping that he was sitting there thinking of me to, and then I felt that all too familiar feeling in my heart. That feeling that you're taking the next step closer to crossing a line that you don't feel prepared to cross, and I felt panic. Part of me was screaming to run away before I could get hurt again, part of me was saying you'll never know until you try, and another part of me was saying "Who are you kidding? He's going to hurt you just like all the rest." And then he smiled at me and I fell over that line and now I don't know what to do.

Ladies and gentlemen of the bloggiverse, I need your help.

Update: Just for fun, I looked up Rob's horoscope today:

September 5, 2005
You might be confused about two relationships, Rob. If you have romantic feelings for two different people, you might need to get clear about what you want. If you feel more of a friendship with one person, perhaps it is best to keep your relationship platonic. And if you have more of a romantic attraction to the other, you might want to commit to a more serious relationship with that person.

uuuuuh huh...

Friday, September 02, 2005
Jumping on the New Orleans band wagon
sans rampant looting...

I've never been to New Orleans. I don't know anybody in New Orleans. I don't even know anybody who knows somebody in New Orleans. But I'm sad. Very very sad. I am sad for the people who have lost their homes, I am sad for the people who have lost loved ones, I am sad for the people who still don't know. Mostly, and this is purely selfish, I am sad for myself. I always always ALWAYS wanted to go to New Orleans. I don't know what it is about the city but every time I see a picture, hear a story, or watch a movie that has anything to do with New Orleans I feel a pull to go there and see it for myself. Even when people say they've been and that it was awful and they never want to go back I just think to myself, "That's not you Katy, you will go and you will love it." I feel this hole now. Sure, they may rebuild, it may be restored to its former splendor, but it will always be different. The history in those buildings is washed away. The stories those walls could have told will have been drowned. You can't "rebuild" history. That's why it's history. It's old, it's fragile, and once it's lost it can never be found again. Remembered maybe, but not lived. Hopefully one day things will be set right for that city and the people that call it home. When that day comes I will go. I will revel in its present, mourn for its past, and be glad for its future. For now, I am just mourning the loss of a girlhood ideal.

Thursday, September 01, 2005
Is anyone getting sick of Handsome Rob?

TOUGH COOKIES SHNOOKUMS!!! Cuz I like talking about him :)

As you know we are going out again tomorrow. That's right folks. Katy has 2 dates in 2 weeks. It's a whole new world. Does tomorrow qualify as a date?? WHO CARES?? I'm going to dinner with a boy that I like. DATE! Or at least it's close enough. Yesterday I left a note on his car that said: Hey Crash- Hope you have a good day at work. :)/Katy. That's all. Brilliant simplicity. He saw the note and called me (I didn't even have to tell him to. He just did! So he calls:

HR: Hey, I got your note.
Me: Oh yeah?
HR: Yep, did you see my ticket?
Me: Yeah, it's just a warning don't worry about it.
HR: Is that why you left me a note?
Me: No, I left you a note cuz I saw your truck and wanted to say hi.
HR: Oh. What are you doing Friday?
Me: (To self) Holy crap!! Is Handsome Rob going to ask me out again??? (To him) Nothin.
HR: Friday night?
Me: Still nothing.
HR: Well, it's Holly's birthday thursday but I have to work so I was going to take her to dinner Friday, want to come?
Me: Sure that'd be good.
HR: K, we'll do something after dinner to. Maybe go get ice cream, except Holly can't get ice cream because she's lactose intolerant.
Me: OK.
HR: K I'll call you when I get off work.

So ok, maybe it's not a date. It's a "Handsome Rob wants to hang out with me" which is good enough for the time being. Now however I have to deal with Holly, hear about her breaking up with Brady, deal with her flirting with Handsome Rob, and I'm sure get reprimanded for not immediately calling her and rushing to her side after hearing about the split. Gonna be fun. But, I get to look at Rob and hang out with him and for that I am grateful :)