I'm a little ___________

a) annoyed
b) confused
c) frustrated
or
d)all of the above.

If you chose D congratulations, you win a pony. This is the third time I've tried to write this blog. This time, come hell or high water I'm going to finish. Settle in, it's long, and probably dull.

Rob and I went out on Friday. With Crazy Holly of course. It was her birthday on Thursday so he had invited me to go along with them for birthday dinner. We had fun. Holly complained about everything, went over the details of her motorcycle accident for the jillionth time, and made us decide what she wanted for dinner while Rob and I teased and flirted and joked. The Applebees crew came and sang the Happy Happy Birthday song and Rob and I shared the Sunday they brought because as I've mentioned, Holly is lactose intolerant and can't eat ice cream. Poor thing. Then the waitress asked how to split the check and Rob said all on one. All on one? Really? What does this mean? Local friends say that Rob invited me to go along with them because he didn't want Holly to think they were on a date. Therefore, I figured we weren't on a date. I assumed he would pay for Holly's dinner because it was her birthday, but I was completely prepared to pay for my own meal. Then, out of the blue, all on one. So are we on a date now? Are all three of us on a date? I. Am. So. Confused.

After dinner Rob mentions that he needs to go pick "something" up from his "friends" house. He doesn't know where that friend lives, he doesn't remember that "friends" name, and he can't explain what the "something" is. Ooooookay. When we find the "friends" house Holly decides "we" want to wait in the car. Rob says he doesn't know how long he'll be. Holly says if "we're" in the car then it will give him an excuse to leave sooner. Rob says we have to come and opens my door. I jump out because I don't want to wait in the car I want to go with Rob. This makes Holly get out of the car because she doesn't want to wait alone. We get there, we go in, I notice about 10 of our friends sitting in the living room with a birthday cake and the little light goes on. Rob planned a surprise party for Holly. Again, what does this mean? Would a guy friend go to that much trouble for a girl that was just his friend? If they're more than just friends, why then would he invite me to go to dinner with them? And why didn't he tell me about the surprise party? Again. I. Am. So. Confused. Rob's all smiley, I'm more surprised than Holly is, in fact, Holly seems annoyed. We all sit down, we have cake, I keep shooting Rob "Why didn't you tell me?" looks, and he just smiles. We all decide to go watch a movie at my house and Holly promptly falls asleep about five minutes into National Treasue. I distribute pillows and blankets and we all stretch out and enjoy the movie. I SWEAR I caught Rob looking at me at LEAST twice. But that could be wishful thinking. Movie ends, everybody leaves, and I sit, confused.

Rob came over around noon the next day to fix the scooter. Holly showed up about 15 minutes later to give me back the pajama pants she had borrowed the night before and get her skirt. She stands, staring at Rob's back while he works on the scooter (He has tools, lots of tools, and knows how to use them. That's hott.) Finally she realizes that Rob is ignoring her and that I'm not exactly thrilled to have her there, and she leaves. Good girl. The menfolk are hungry and it's lunchtime so I make hamburgers, big huge juicy good ones. The way to a mans heart is through his stomach right? We sit, we have lunch, Rob gets a phone call from his brother who's in Iraq, and I clean up the dishes. Then we decide to go to a movie and invite Rob to go with us and he wants to go. With me and my parents, to a movie. Yeah, weird. Do boys go to movies with girls who are their friends and said girls parents? Or is that an "I'm trying to impress your family" type move? I. Am. So. Confused!!!! Then, the movie doesn't start for two more hours. Whatever will we do to fill the time? Rob mentioned the night before that he needed new shoes and Holly said they should go shopping but Rob already had plans to fix the schooter so Holly went shopping with her mom instead telling Rob that they could go Monday. But I beat her to it! We have two hours to kill, let's shop. So Rob and I go buy Rob new shoes, go to the craft store (that's right, he went to the craft store with me, he is a good man.) We went to Wal-mart to get note cards, and then went to the sporting goods store for him. That took up two hours nicely. Then we ran back to wal-mart for movie treats, which he bought, and head to the movie theatre. I bought the tickets to pay him back for the treats and then paid for the sodas we bought. When he tried to pay me for the sodas I said "Don't worry about it, I still owe you from dinner." Then he got this strange look on his face, almost like I had hurt his feelings and said "Oh, whatever." Hmmmm. Strange. After the movie he went home, I went shopping with Mom and Boo, and when I got home I had a message from Crazy Holly. She was bored and wanted me to entertain her but I didn't want to entertain her so I called her back to tell her I was busy and she informed me that it was OK because she was going to a movie with Mike and Rob. Eh? I wish I could bug Rob's cell phone. Just for the conversations with Holly. It would make life so much easier. Did Holly call him and beg to be entertained? Did Rob call her? Are they on a date with an awkward third wheel by the name of Mike? Why was I not invited? And why oh WHY am I analyzing this whole situation to death? I'll tell you why.

I am not a go out on a limb kind of person. I am a very safe, secure, two feet on the ground, kind of person. I have been seriously damaged by past relationships and I am NOT going to put myself through that again. Especially if there's any chance that the person I am looking to form a relationship with is going to fall for the weaker, girlier, more needy friend. I am still trying to find that delicate balance between safe, and cynical. So, I have to know. I have to know that I am not taking an unnecessary risk. Risk is ok, but if I am going to allow myself to fall any harder for this guy I am damn well gonna be sure that he doesn't have feelings for Holly first. Everything was fine when I woke up this morning. I was still able to tell myself that we were just friends and that whatever was going to happen would happen. Then at church today, he sat by Holly when he could literally just as easily have sat by me. A little sting to the ego but I was OK. We were just friends, he could sit by whoever he wanted. But something happened in that hour. Sitting there, quietly thinking, I found myself thinking more of him than anything else, hoping that he was sitting there thinking of me to, and then I felt that all too familiar feeling in my heart. That feeling that you're taking the next step closer to crossing a line that you don't feel prepared to cross, and I felt panic. Part of me was screaming to run away before I could get hurt again, part of me was saying you'll never know until you try, and another part of me was saying "Who are you kidding? He's going to hurt you just like all the rest." And then he smiled at me and I fell over that line and now I don't know what to do.

Ladies and gentlemen of the bloggiverse, I need your help.

Update: Just for fun, I looked up Rob's horoscope today:

September 5, 2005
You might be confused about two relationships, Rob. If you have romantic feelings for two different people, you might need to get clear about what you want. If you feel more of a friendship with one person, perhaps it is best to keep your relationship platonic. And if you have more of a romantic attraction to the other, you might want to commit to a more serious relationship with that person.

uuuuuh huh...