Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Filling the void...

Today's epiphany.

I used to be able to just be friends with boys. In fact, I had some really great boy friends who were absolutely nothing like boyfriends. Then something happened. I don't know what it was, but now, every male of the species I see is a prospective suitor. I base my esteem of him on whether or not I would want to marry him. STUPID! I realized this yesterday while debating with a very nice boy in my statistics class about quartiles. He was fun, entertaining, and nice, after class while we were talking he seemed sincerely interested in my life, he was a breath of fresh air to be around. However I found myself thinking, he's shorter than me, and not really physically my type so, c-ya later mister. When I caught myself thinking what I had been thinking I was ashamed, annoyed and quite frankly pissed at myself. I was writing him off as anything simply because I couldn't see myself dating, and eventually marrying him. So I had some more thinking to do. This quandary necessitated some serious pondering. When did I turn into this terrible, shallow, female? This woman who wouldn't even consider a friendship with a person based on whether or not I could ever see myself being with him. I was acting terribly, I was acting foolishly, I was acting, dare I say, like a man! So I spent the next couple hours wondering to myself. "Self," I said, "What is your problem?" and self answered "You're lonely." Aw-ha! I was lonely... am lonely... whatever.... I was looking at every man I came across as a replacement, a possibility for filling the void. By judging every man that came along as a "possibility" I wasn't giving myself time to get to know them. How can you fall in love with someone you don't even like? Worse yet, you haven't even tried to like. I have been wandering around waiting for lightening to strike. Waiting to meet some handsome young mans eyes and just know, "He's the one. The void is filled." I feel great! I feel liberated! I feel like I am now free to be myself, be friends with boys without thinking like a generic Utah 20-something. I can take on the world.

On a less liberating note. I am itchy. I have no idea what it is, but today around 4 I broke out in little spots all over my arms, then chest, stomach, and legs. My mom thinks it's the jacuzzi. If I am allergic to the jacuzzi I am going to be very sad, very sad indeed.


Blogger patrice said...

what a great epiphany. they always say that love will find you when you least expect it. so that means like doing anything BUT looking for suitors.

maybe it's the bromine in the jacuzzi?

Blogger lonna said...

I agree with the cliche about finding someone when you least expect it. I had almost totally given up, at least for the time being, when I met my husband. I think it's also important to realize, like you have, that many of us need to take time to fall in love with someone. I certainly had no idea that I would marry my husband when I met him. The thought was the furthest from my mind. In fact, I thought of all the reasons why he wouldn't be "the one" in order to protect my fragile psyche. Luckily, things turned out great anyway.

Blogger lonna said...

HA HA. The next (this one) word verification thingie is lyypo!

Blogger Katiemagic said...

What a moment of self discovery! I was friends with my husband for a year before there was any lightning strike or even any idea I could ever date him whatsoever. But when we were both ready, boy did it strike!

I hope your itching is getting better!

Blogger Stine said...

Yay K! Good for you. I think there is a lot of pressure on Utah girls to find men. I think the idea of "I need to find me a man to be whole", for better and for worse, is propagated by the church. I'm so happy that you realized that this isn't necessarily the case. It's funny, so many women I know found the men they married when they finally decided that they had no use for men.

I know I did. Ly drove me crazy when I first met him. I shoulda known at the moment that I would marry him.

Good for you!

Blogger Jazz said...

It's really always like that...when you are looking for someone, you never find anybone but when you have found someone, you see possibilities everywhere. That's so unfair!

Blogger Nat said...

Hi my Katy friend! I loved reading your's so true, so painfully true. Haha, I miss you over there, you need to add me to your msn so we can chat! Have a good one :)

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