The Tattoo.

No I didn't get one.

Becky and I have been talking about getting tattooed for awhile. I want a fairy (of course) on my shoulder. Whether or not this will ever actually happen, I don't know. I had mentioned it just casually to my parents before and they would joke and laugh about it but it came down to the fact that the church has spoken out against tattooing and therefore I shouldn't. Well, Saturday night we were all sitting around before bed and my mom goes, "So, Erik says you and Becky are going to get tattoos."

Oh shit. "I told you that." I say.
"Well, I thought I had talked you out of it."
"No, I still want one."

More banter ensues while my parents try and talk me out of it and I try really hard not to tell them go to hell. I love my parents. They are great people and among my best friends but sometimes, they just piss me off. Anyway, I was trying to keep things light and trying to avoid a conflict, when my mom throws out. "You can get a tattoo, it'll just really disappoint me and I'll probably have to up my dose of Paxil."

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH.... ooooh, no she didn't!

Then something snapped in me. "Why do you say shit like that?" I practically yell.
"Because I can."
"Are you kidding me? I have worked the last 22 years at not disappointing you. I bend over backwards to help out around here, to take some of the stress off you, and the ONE time I want to do something for myself that has absolutely NOTHING to do with you I get this bull?"
Mom turns to my dad and says, "I don't think she can take a joke."
"THAT WAS NOT A JOKE!"

And then I started crying, which made them feel bad. Good, they should feel bad.

I don't remember what they said to bring it on but I ended up ranting about them having no idea how much pressure they put on me. How hard it was to be their perfect child, how much I had given up to keep them happy, how many things I hadn't done, so I didn't disappoint them. Then I went upstairs to bed and cried. Then I cried some more. Most of the next day, I cried. When my mom came home from church and saw me sitting on the floor working on a project I was helping her with, she asked why I was crying. I just shrugged. She asked if someone at church had hurt my feelings. I shook my head. She asked if she had hurt my feelings and I didn't do anything. Then she said "Well we can't be friends if you won't talk to me." Wait a minute, first I'm a disappointing daughter then we can't be friends if I don't talk to her?? This just keeps getting better. I think I stopped crying around 4 or 5 yesterday. Now we're both just pretending that nothing happened.

I wish I had the guts to tell her that of all the mean things she could say to me that one was the worst. That I can brush off just about anything but the D word. I'm still mad, I'm still hurt, and right now I'm trying really hard to not burst into tears in the middle of the computer lab.

Today's thing I learned: The people that love you most can hurt you worst.

Get a Life

Cute huh? My plan was to send a big batch in time for Bellaween but that didn't work out so well so sorry. Next year I'll try and be more on the ball. The recipe is pretty good, except I think next time I'll add more Cream Cheese. I loved the icing though!!

What's this?? Another post??

Indeed it is.

I am a creature of habit. When my schedule gets thrown off, I get a little grumpy. I like to have a plan, there are times when I can be fly by the seat of my pants, I used to be VERY impulsive, it went away. Now, I like to have a REAL schedule. If I am supposed to be doing something and then find out that said thing has been cancelled, I get a little edgy. I will sit and stare at a cancellation notice for awhile just, looking at it. Double checking, triple checking, quadruple checking, that they really are talking about MY class. That if I do actually leave, I won't miss anything important because there's nothing to miss. I am habitually late to my biology class because it's my routine. If I am there early and everyone's just sitting around chatting, I will get up and find a drinking fountain. I think that particular craziness is rooted in my fear of forming real relationships. I don't want anybody to have the oppurtunity to notice me, notice me alone, pity me, and therefore feel the need to strike up a conversation. I realize that is probably not the way it would happen but at times like this, my logical mind kind of shrinks into a little corner and let's my illogical mind take over.

When people aren't supposed to be somewhere and they are, it takes me awhile to adjust, if I adjust at all. This morning I stopped by work to use the restroom because it was actually closer to walk to my office than walk to the bathroom in the building I was in. Upon arriving at work I found that my boss was out sick. Sad, cuz I like my boss but I adjusted over the next three hours and upon returning to work to actually work, I was prepared for her not to be there. Then she was. Hooray! But again, brain adjustment. And my brain just doesn't switch gears very quick I guess.

The event that inspired me to discuss this topic today is the lack of Raspberry Iced Tea, on campus. I don't drink carbination but need my caffeine fix everyday or I am just NOT a pleasant person to be around. Every day between 3 and 4 my co-worker and I walk over to the student center for a break. She gets a diet coke with lime, I get a raspberry iced tea and some sort of snacky snack. The actual snack, changes up a little, but the raspberry iced tea and the fact that I get a snack, are constants. Last night between work and stats, I broke with tradition a bit because we hadn't had our break that day (Julie was in meetings) and I was starving. I bought cinnamon brown sugar pop tarts and the last iced tea at Southern Utah University... damn.

There are two stores in the student center where one can procure a raspberry iced tea. The Country Store & Bakery, and uhm...the other one. The CSB is cheaper, their iced tea's are $1.05, the "other one's" are $1.16 Rip-off artists. I cleaned the CSB out about a week and a half ago. They haven't received a new shipment, apparently there supplier is "out". So I started shelling out the extra eleven cents for the other one (their snacky stuff is cheaper so I guess it balances out, but not really). Wednesday I noticed that I was taking the second to last raspberry iced tea in the cooler and mentioned it to the nice manager lady, she said she had an order in and they'd be here Thursday. Well, yesterday I bought the last one. Today, there wasn't one to replace it. The nice manager lady said her supplier was out. They use different suppliers, I asked. What is with the giant raspberry iced tea shortage??? Does Nestea need me to come steap the tea bags for them or something? Cuz I'll do it! Whatever I can do to help! Need raspberries? (Yeah like they use real fruit juice) Which God do I need to pray to to get me some freakin raspberry iced TEA???? Anyway, today I'm stuck with one of those crystal lite pour in thingies that basically just tastes like Kool-Aid. And it's not even raspberry, it's peach, which is fine, but it's not the same. I want my raspberry iced tea, I have needs.

Today's thing I learned: Bring it from home.

The wide world of Blog

Well, you guys won. My speech which is due one week from today and I am JUST BARELY STARTING! Is on Blogging. What particular aspect of blogging, I haven't decided yet. But I have lots and lots and LOTS of information to go through and I think it's going to be fun. A week is plenty of time for one such as me to come up with a 5 to 7 minute speech on something that I do everyday, right? Right. Good. I'm excited. So I have a favor to ask. Again I know. We have to have a visual aid. I was thinking of getting a map and putting a pin in all the places where you guys live and then maybe having pictures. Does anyone have a huge problem with me using their likeness in front of 20 or so random college students? I won't use names or anything if you guys are uncomfortable with that. Or I'll just use your blogger names. If any of you have an issue with this idea, or a better idea pretty please e-mail me rudiesoul@hotmail.com. And if you have a particular picture you'd like me to use (I was planning on just using the ones that are posted) you can e-mail me that as well. Sorry if this is seeming like a huge issue of privacy, I just don't want to do any toe-stepping so like I say, if any of you have a better idea or if there is just a resounding no from all parties, that's ok.

Thanks!

Se Moi

It's me. Obviously I've been at a loss for interesting blog fodder lately though I still spend most of my free time cruising the bloggiverse and oohing and aaahing about other peoples very interesting lives. So, while I was sitting here staring at my blank computer screen it struck me, I'll talk about ME! Me is a pretty good topic. And so I present you with Se Moi, a list.

1. I love peanuts. Love em, in fact, one of my great annoyances in life is coming across a peanutless peanut m&m. I'm gonna write a letter.

2. I have a queen complex. My senior year of High School I played Queen Aggravaine in Once Upon a Mattress.

3. After that taste of superstardom I just couldn't handle being second string in college. Plus, even though I was one, I hate snotty actors. Limone, if you're reading this, you went to a junior college, you're not a superstar and you don't deserve to eat the entire bag of Dorritos...MY Dorritos.

4. Dorritos are my favorite snack food. I can have a full pantry and a full fridge and bags of candy at my house and still claim to have no snacks if there are no Dorritos. Ask Becky, it happened last weekend.

5. I am seriously afraid of moths and grasshoppers. I will scream and run away if there is an airborn moth in my general vicinity.

6. I have a crush on my Computer Science teacher and last week he brought the class donuts and now I lust him even more... siiiiiigh...

7. Someday I want to write for a l iving.

8. OK, this isn't really about Moi, but it's about Sophie and I love her so I'm using it. Becky and Kodi and I watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Saturday night and for those of you who haven't seen it there's this HOT Greek fisherman guy in it. Sunday I was laying on the couch hanging out with Becky and Sophie and I said, "I'm going to move to Greece and find myself a big strong tan fisherman." and Sophie said, "And I will come wiff you and find a little fisherman". I laughed til I thought I was going to pass out.

9. There are pictures of me dirty dancing with a waiter from Tijuana floating around somewhere that I wish I could get my hands on and burn.

10. My nickname in elementary/middle school was Katy the kitchen cockroach.

11. I wasn't born, I was hatched, a lizard. With a tail and everything, or at least my brother and sisters had me pretty much convinced of that til my first biology lesson.

12. I was once offered 500 dollars to break up a guy and his fiance because the guys best friends didn't like her.

13. I think I'm going to be a kitchen witch for Halloween and hand out cookies.

14. If the writing for money thing doesn't pan out I would love to cater.

15. Besides cooking and writing, I love to cross-stitch, crochet, and generally get crafty. I can crochet a pretty decent scarf in about 90 minutes and a basic but beautiful afghan in about a day. I think last winter I crocheted about 50 scarves for people for gifts.

16. I'm a total book junky. If I couldn't get in about 20 minutes of entertainment reading a day, I'd go nuts.

17. I love scary movies. I would choose a good scary movie over a chick flick any day of the week.

18. I just got through with midterms and have a C+ in Bio, a B in Stats, and A's in everything else. WOOHOO!

19. My favorite color is Purple.

20. I made it to 20!!

Today's thing I learned: Always be prepared, Aunt Flo came a week early this month. Bitch.

Just call me Tweety

I am seriously nesting. Last night I made a new chocolate chip cookie recipe, I think I made maybe 5 dozen good sized cookies. What am I going to do with 5 dozen giant cookies? I have no idea. The website gave them 5 stars and everyone said they loved them. They're good, but not great. Definitely good if you're just looking for a new and slightly different chocolate chip cookie. I didn't add nuts (I don't know why) but next time I will, and next time I'll probably half the recipe. Anybody want cookies?

Your homework

Alright folks, here's the deal. I have to give a 5-7 minute speech on a current, significant social or political topic. Any ideas?? It's supposed to be something we have a personal interest in or something we have a lot of knowledge about. My problem is I have very little passion for anything political these days. I was thinking of doing gun control, or maybe capital punishment. I did a killer paper (no pun intended) on capital punishment my senior year of high school. My problem I guess is that this is just supposed to be an informative speech. I have a hard time talking about something without trying to persuade people to see my point of view. You guys know me. What should I talk about? What have you noticed that really gets me fired up? I need HELP!

In other news, my attitude is lots better lately. I'm not little Mary Sunshine but I'm not Grouchy Gretta either. Gretta, that's my Grandma's name. Hm, a little subconcious word play perhaps? A bit of hostility towards the woman that gave my mother life? Perhaps just a bit. Last weekend my cousin got married. It was all very warm and fuzzy. I woke up that morning and felt like total crap. Barely made it down the stairs from my bedroom before I had to lay back down. Was not pretty. So I missed all my classes that day and slept it off. I did however find the energy to curlify my hair so I looked pretty for the reception. I figure the fewer things I give G-ma to comment about the better, and the woman loves curly hair. Please ignore the general scariness, I was sick remember?

So the wedding was nice, I chased Sophie and almost fell in the water feature. They had a chocolate fountain which Sophie and I thought was the absolute bomb! Nothing like drenching a jumbo marshmallow in a curtain of milk chocolate to lighten the mood. Indeed, it was fantastic. Kelsie (the cuz) looked lovely. I didn't get any good pictures though. I'm still trying to figure out the camera phone. I managed to avoid my annoying younger cousin who is 13 months younger than me and got married like two years ago and has long beautiful red hair and is rail thin, for most of the evening. Little miss successful career at the age of 21. Whatever sunshine, you had to wear the ugly bridesmaid dress and oh yeah, your husband got fat. So :P. All in all it was very pleasant, Sophie and I ran around and experimented with what things tasted good dipped in chocolate. I managed to avoid any "When's it your turn?" talk, and I didn't feel like the oldest cow at the bouqet toss. In fact the only disaster was when I walked onto the grass carrying Sophie and my stilleto's sunk and I fell on my butt. No harm done though.

Then after dinner the next night with G-ma and G-pa Clueless Rob, AKA Handsome Rob called and a bunch of us went to Wallace and Gromit with the younger siblings. It was very much fun. Rob's little brother Ammon is a doll and thinks I'm great. Rob, is well, either clueless or heartless as Becky put it, and quite frankly I don't have the time to waste on either, so faretheewell Handsome Rob.

Today's thing I learned: Uhm, I don't know it's still early. That it doesn't matter how cold it is, mini-skirts are apparently all season wear. I have my scarf and my wool coat on, and I saw a girl walking to class this morning in an UBER short skirt and a sorry excuse for a cardigan. Newsflash schnookums, it's cold.

Some ranting and then some tagging

I have a break between 10 and 11 where I don't have a class and I don't have to work and I usually spend said break in the library. I blog, I do homework, I e-mail, and I stew. It's called a library people! Libraries are for studying, and such, mostly quiet time. It is not a time to sit and catch up with the Barbie clone next to you in your outside voice. It is a library, it is a place for whispers, if your cell phone rings you should turn the ringer off (if you're really rude enough to have it on in the first place) and if you really HAVE to answer it, take it to a stair well, or better, outside. Do NOT sit and have a conversation with daddy about not being able to find a job. Nobody cares and I have more important things to stress about. And for hell's sake boy sitting next time, GET A F@#$ING Kleenex!!!!

End rant.

Lonna tagged me so here goes:

Ten years ago: I was 12. How's that for perspective?

Five years ago: I was a senior in High School, dating the rat bastard , trying to figure out what college to go too, and starring in the favorite role I ever played.

One year ago: I was still working at the bank (shudder) still crying over the rat bastard (cringe) and dating Crazy Brian (thank goodness that's over.

Five Snacks: MMM food! Nacho Cheesier Dorritos, crackers and cheese, nachos, yogurt and granola, and popcorn.

Five songs I know all the words to: Lady Marmalade, Tears in Heaven, I Will Survive, uhm...Walkin After Midnight, and Killing Me Softly.

Five things I would do with $100 million: Buy a house or 5. Invest. Buy presents for my fam. Fly all the blogging buddies to the Bahamas for a reunion. Shop shop shop!!! Oh! and six, buy a private jet and hire a pilot so we can go visit far away people whenever we want!

Five things I would never wear: Uhm, like in public? I don't know. My birthday suit, a string bikini, an I'm with stupid t-shirt, my bridesmaid dress.

Five Favorite TV shows: Good Eats, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, That 70s Show, The Daily Show.

Five biggest joys: My family, cheese, my friends, my bed, and reading.

Five favorite toys: Computers, my cell phone, uhm CD player, 4-wheelers, uhm.... I don't know....

There ya go, I'm not gonna pass it on to five more people cuz I don't have five more people to pass it too.

Lost chances

When I started back to school I thought I would have all sorts of blog fodder, it turns out, I was wrong. My days are filled with class this and work that and not much of anything fun in between. Well, not much of anything new and fun.

I've been thinking lately about missed oppurtunities. I don't know what brought it on but it's been on my mind. When I was going to school at Dixie I was something of a player. Within a week of living in the dorms I found myself in *gasp* a boys dorm, *another gasp* after curfew!! His name was Gator, well it wasn't really Gator, but I don't know what it really was. He had soft beer flavored lips and callused hands and made me feel like a goddess. His rough hands sliding across my bare belly and back made me feel things I had never felt before. Being the 18 year old novice that I was I got scared and ran away. That night I laid awake in my bed and tried to block out those wonderful, tingling feelings to no avail. A few hours later a light knock came to my door and I heard a familiar voice begging me to come outside. My roommate woke up and went to answer the door but I stopped her. I told her everything that had happened and she convinced me that I should never see him again. The next day while I was eating breakfast in the cafeteria he found me and brushed a kiss across my lips. I could feel myself turning red as he said "Hey runaway" in his smooth southern drawl. He sat down at the table with my roommates and I and the three of us stood up and left, leaving our cold cereal uneaten. I had convinced myself that he was nothing but trouble. Rightfully so as he was kicked out of the dorms the next week for drug use. So ends the tale of Gator.

The next missed oppurtunity is Ryan. *Sigh...* Ryan was 6'5" muscley and Irish. Oh he was hot. Such a sweetheart, but still with that bad boy persona. Ryan was great, everything I could have asked for, tall, dark, handsome. I still get a little twittery thinking about him. At first we were friends, really really good friends. We could talk about anything and we were always there for each other. Eventually our friendship developed into more. It was bound to happen. We were just that close. Neither of us ever said anything to each other but our friends could all tell something had changed in us. When we were together we were in our own little world, everyone could see we were made for eachother, everyone except for his girlfriend. I can't blame her, I wouldn't have wanted to give him up either. She had a very self destructive personality and we were both afraid of what she would do to herself if he left her so we kept our infatuation with each other on the back burner and did our best to ignore it. We found ourselves however searching out little reasons to be alone together. Nothing happened when we did manage to get alone. No more than innocent caresses and shy smiles. We would stay up late watching movies and then fall asleep next to each other. We always woke up wrapped in each others arms and then we'd laugh it off and go our seperate ways for the day. I was in a twisted masochistic kind of love. After months of stealing time I got frustrated. I knew he wouldn't leave her and I was sick of going home alone so finally one rainy night, I went to his apartment. He wasn't home so I sat outside his door and waited for him to come home. By the time he got there I was soaked and freezing. He hugged me and tried to warm me up but once he actually looked at me he could tell I was not in a snuggling kind of mood. I told him I couldn't be his friend anymore, that it was too hard to love him so much and watch him with her. That I wanted him to stay away from me. It was all very Dawson's Creek. He told me to wait just a minute, and ran off. I waited because part of me thought he'd come back and declare his undying love. When he came back he wrapped his arms around me, told me loved me, kissed me, and then said goodbye. Obviously we couldn't avoid each other, we had the same friends, I was managing Dracula, he was the title character, we saw eachother and pretended nothing had ever happened. I miss Ryan.

The last person I want to talk about is different than the other two. There was never anything between us. We were never even close to an item. But he was my friend. Cleet was strange as smoke. He was good looking but really really weird. He had a sprite bottle he kept full of vodka or whatever clear alcoholic beverage was his preference that he carried around all day. One day he was giving me a ride home from a dress rehearsal and he asked me out. I really really didn't want to go and luckily I was in full stage make-up and my pajamas so I had a reason to say no. I told him definitely another time. He dropped me off at my apartment, told me he thought I was the most special person he'd ever met and drove away. Two days later on his way to a friends wedding reception he got lost on the freeway and fell asleep at the wheel. He was missing for days because somehow he had ended up in Nevada instead of Utah. So much for some other time.

Today's thing I learned:
Well, at risk of sounding cheesier, Don't let good things slip buy. You may not have another day to make up for it.

Yummy pumpkin bread

OK folks, here is the recipe. I doubled it like I said, and didn't add the walnuts, but definitely will next time. I had to cook a couple of the bigger ones a little longer and they got kind of dried out so watch them close. I also made this for dinner tonight, EASY and pretty darn tasty, if you're of the broccoli cheese soup persuasion...I added more cheese, no big shocker there. Anyway, there ya go, enjoy.

Scrumdiddlyumptios!!

I baked! This is a recipe for chocolate chip pumpkin bread from here. I doubled it because I wanted some to give to friends. I also did a HUGE grocery shop for the madre, bought pumpkins for these super cool centerpieces we make for fall, and have meet browning for stew. ACK! I think I'm nesting!!

Today's thing I learned: (I have been such a slacker!!) When you're doubling a recipe that already makes three loaves, use a BIG bowl! I busted out some of the stuff I have in storage for my house because none of my moms bowls were big enough.

I want to be alone...

And that's ok.

I'm in a bit of a creative rut I think. I can't even think of good things to comment about on other peoples blogs. I read, I laugh, I agree with what they're saying, but I get to that little comment window and the walls go up. I can't blog, I can't work on my book. It seems all I can do is scribble bitter musings in the margins of my notebook. I've been feeling the urge to escape lately. I want to get out of Utah and go live somewhere that doesn't put so much social emphasis on your marital status. I want to go somewhere where I'm not Ray and Diane's daughter, or Becky and Mandy and Jon's sister. I want to go somewhere where I can simply be. I feel the need to be unchecked on. Unwatched over. Undone. I want to go sit on a beach with the waves kissing my toes, an iced tea at my side, and an insanely large straw hat on my head. I don't want to be watched over, I don't want to be responsible for anyone, I just want to be Katy on the beach. Then maybe if I feel so inspired I'll draw, or write, do something that's not for anyone else. I want the oppurtunity to flirt with a man and the independance to not wonder where it might lead. I want the chance to go to a movie alone without sensing, or caring about the looks of pity in people's eyes. I want to close the door on social norms and revel in my singleness, my independance, my aloneness. I should move back to California, or build a cabin in the woods.

Hooray for Halloween!!

Bought this totally cool treat jar at the campus bookstore and the cute lil pumpkin at the grocery store. They're sitting in my office right now. YAY!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year

I love October! This is my favorite month for a lot of reasons. First of all, it's when fall really starts falling. Colors start to change, the air gets that little bite to it that keeps your blood pumping, and I get to pull out all my cute sweaters. Not to mention shop for new cute sweaters. I plan on doing my living room and kitchen in fall colors when I get my own house. I already have things in storage, just waiting to bust out. Seriously I LOVE this season. I look forward to this season. I am always happiest in the fall.

Second, it's National Breast Cancer awareness month. The Smith mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 years ago. Though remembering that time doesn't make me happy, knowing that she survived and that she's still here does make me happy. I also love all the well, awareness, going on. I feel like it's something that women can share. Like this is a fight we're in together and that we'll win because we're smart, and strong. I realize that I wasn't the one with cancer but I survived, just like the rest of my family. I guess it gives me something to feel apart of that is bigger than myself. Yesterday was the first day of October that I had school and I kept noticing everyone wearing pink, I wore pink because of the month and I kept finding myself thinking, "Oh look, she's wearing pink, right on sister!" We may or may not have been wearing pink for the same reasons, but I like to think that we were.

Third, HALLOWEEN!!! I loves this holiday. I am 22 and still dressing up. In fact I usually start thinking about my costume in August. This year, I'm thinking fairy. We'll see what happens. Last week my friends nine year old asked if I thought she was too old to go trick-or-treating. I got all sorts of fiery. You trick-or-treat til they stop giving you sugar, sugar! I love jack-o-lanterns. I love that people can do things like this with them. I love the candy. I love the scary stories. I love the little kids dressed up like ghouls, and goblins, and witches, and wizards. I love it all. When I have my own house, I fully intend to have an insane spook alley in my yard every year. And parties. Because grown ups lose the Halloween magic, and they need an excuse to dress up too.

As a side note, my dad was born in October, I'm glad about that too.

Yeah. October is about the greatest month ever.

PS. That picture of the tree on top, I took that with my phone. WOOHOO!!! People around campus keep looking at me funny because I take pictures of the most random stuff. Oh well.

It slices, it dices....

IT TAKES PICTURES!!!

I am sooo excited. Got me a new phone, with handy dandy picture capability for some serious picture posting. JOY!!
This is my dad. Ok, it's kind of a pain to get everything all situated just right to upload pictures here...but I'll get the hang of it. OK, I have to go though. Time for class, just wanted to share the excitement. YAY!!!

Today's thing I learned:
How to send pictures from my phone to my computer. WOO HOO!!