Thursday, June 29, 2006
My love at first sight story
I was young, just days away from my nineteenth birthday. I thought I was sowing my wild oats when in truth, I didn’t even know where my wild oats were. It was spring break 2002 and I was in Tijuana. My parents hadn’t wanted me to go, but they realized I was an “adult” living away from home for the first time, and that I would go, whether they wanted me to or not. And I did. My roommate M and her “good girl” sister C and I were determined to party, and party we did.

I remember the trip there, the excitement building as the scenery changed. The car we were driving was bare bones, no CD player, not even a tape deck, so I held a small boom box on my lap and DJ’d the trip, hours of gangstah rap had us all ready to dance. We left late in the afternoon on a Sunday because M had had to work at the shoe store that morning. We stayed one night half way between St. George and San Diego. The second day we traded in our $20’s for $5’s and $1’s and hit the road. We reached San Diego early in the afternoon, splashed around at Mission Beach for awhile, did a little souveniring, then headed to our hotel to glam up for the night ahead.

M & C were too busy arguing on the way to Tijuana to see the “Last US exit signs” overhead and we actually ended up driving into Tijuana which had not been our intention. We were going to park in the U.S. of A and walk the rest of the way, or catch a cab. Instead we drove across the border, C (she was driving) started freaking out because no one was following the rules of the road, and M locked all the doors and proceeded to scream at C. When we finally found our way back across the border (after having our car searched by the border police) we parked and walked back into Tijuana. We went to M’s favorite club from the year before, “The Zoo”?…”The Animal”? I don’t remember, but the waiter’s name was Juan and he waved us in with the promise of two free drinks for all of us. Which was particularly handy since C wasn’t drinking. We settled into a table by the “window”, really just a whole cut in the plywood walls, and started sipping. My first mixed drink was a Sex on the Beach.

After we had a couple drinks in us and the crowd started to fill out we took to the dance floor. Dancing and flirting with all the silly college boys. I had my eye on one in particular, Josh, he was tall, and thin, and had blonde hair. He wore dark jeans, a black t-shirt and was drinking Tecate’s like they were water. We danced together once, he looked deep into my eyes and kissed me. His lips were like two slabs of raw beef that had been soaking in horse piss for two weeks. In my slightly buzzed state I laughed, patted him on the back, and turned to go back to my friends. That’s when I saw him. He was sitting next to M, who was doing everything in her power to brush him off, she had a thing for brown boys, white boys were “just so predictable”. I walked to our table, told M to go get more drinks, and sat next to him.

“Is your friend always so pleasant when she’s been drinking?” He asked.

“That was M being pleasant.” I replied, “You’re not her type.”

“I wasn’t hoping to be her type,” he said cocking his head and half grinning, “I wanted to be your type.” Then he grinned and looked away, actually blushing.

“Then you should buy me another Sex on the Beach and ask me to dance.”

“I don’t dance.”

“I guess you’re not my type then.”

With that, he walked away, and I got up to dance. Through a few more songs I would glance his way. Some 5’2” blonde bimbo was trying to sink her claws into him and he was polite to her, but I would catch him glancing my way occasionally and I would shoot him a coy look, as was my almost 19 year old girl way. When the first notes of some Shakira ballad played over the speakers I sat down to catch my breath. No sooner was I settled and listening to M talk about “Rick” then a pink cup was placed in front of me and I heard “So ya wanna dance?” I did.

He took my hand and we walked to the floor (a whopping 5 feet away) where he pulled my hand around his neck, wrapped his arm around my waist and took my other hand with his, holding it between us. He pressed his mouth against my ear and asked my name.

“I’m Katy.”

“I’m Bill.”

“Hi Bill.”


When Bill said he didn’t dance, it didn’t mean he couldn’t. He could, very well, and we did, very often. After another hour or so of getting to know each other, he asked if he could kiss me, and I let him. We talked, we danced, we drank, we laughed, we talked about school, the future, our families, everything. He invited me to go to San Diego Zoo the next day with him and his friends, and I said yes and gave him my cell phone number, neglecting to write the area code. Then he had to go. He kissed me goodnight and walked out the door. The rest of the night was a bust for me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone else, dance with anyone else, I just wanted Bill, there was no doubt in my mind that I would see him again. When M and C were finally ready to leave it was about 4 o’clock in the morning. Bill had left around 2, and I was ready to be done. I had danced with a couple of the waiters after the crowds thinned out, C had fallen madly in lust with a waiter named Enrique who was old enough to be her father, and M had spent a lot of the evening wrapped around Rick in a dark corner.

We walked back to the border, showed the nice men our ID’s (which is a whole other story) and walked through the double doors back into America. Three boys were half asleep on a bench at the bus stop. One of those boys was Bill. They had missed the bus back into San Diego. He walked over to me, wrapped his arms around my waist, and hugged me like he hadn’t seen me in 10 years. We held hands and walked to where we had parked the car, still talking non-stop. He wanted to know about Utah, when he found out I was Mormon he asked about that too. He was genuinely interested. We went back to my hotel because he couldn’t tell us how to get to his Uncle’s house where they were staying, and we called him a cab. While we waited for the cab to come we snuggled on the curb and he started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“This.” He replied

“What this?”

“Coming here, meeting you, what I’m about to say.”

“What are you about to say?”

“I know it’s crazy, but I fell in love with you tonight.”

“Me too.”

The cab came, they drove away, and I went to bed in a daze.

He didn’t call the next day. Actually, I tell myself he did call. That he called all day but that my phone was being it’s usual stupid self squared. Which is valid. This was before the time of “The Network” and my phone which a Cellular One brick at the time would only work when I was sitting, leaning to the right, just outside the hotel door. So he called. He wanted desperately to see me again but the communication age hadn’t quite worked out all the bugs, and destiny missed its chance.

To Bill, you were the best 7 hours of my life.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Trip trip trippin'
So I went on a little journey through this blog o' mine. Trippy the stuff that I was SO EXCITED about and that is now merely a memory. Or all the loose ends I'm noticing in my life. For instance, I still have that ingrown toe-nail, but it started getting better so I didn't go to a doctor, and now almost a year later, the puss monster is again rearing it's ugly head. That poor toe.

Also, I haven't written much in the book, remember the book? It's still floating around in my head and all, but when I sit down to actually write nothing happens. I get bogged down in technicalities, and let me tell you, getting bogged down in technicalities in a book about faeries is TRICKY!

Remember the tooth? Remember how urgen the dentist made everything sound? Remember how I still have a gaping hole in my head where that tooth should be? Yeah....

I am still the third cow. Thank goodness.

This one isn't a loose end but I'm glad I found it. I needed a reminder.

And now, a quote I found in my Mary Engelbreit calendar that I thought everyone could use every once in awhile.

"Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old." That Ralph Waldo guy...though it is reminiscent of being called a fish...but in a good way.

Friday, June 23, 2006
I just realized that my remedy to the "I'm so sad" blog, was just an "I'm still sad" blog, except for the puppy. I want one. Anywho, to take a page out of the sarcomibook here is a Somethings Friday.

Somethings I love:
1. My baby pod! Isn't she so cute? Her name developed into the iBitch somewhere along the way because she's what I use when I feel like a bitch and need some alone in my head time.

Obviously this is not myPod. I have way more songs than this. And none of them are Santana, there is one called All That I Am that I kinda love though.

2. That Thing You Do. No, not that thing you do, but that's nice too. This That Thing You Do.

In fact, I am shocked and appalled that I do not own this movie. I do however own the soundtrack...on CASSETTE! There was a time (when I was 13) that I would strut around the house with my walkman on singing everysingle lyric to everysingle song! When I found out that the Oneders/Wonders weren't an actual band I was downright irate. "In every life there comes a time when that dream you dream becomes that thing you do." *Sigh* words to live by.

3. The peanut butter cups I made last weekend. DAYUM! Them's good eats. Want the recipe?? They're really easy! OK!
a. Make some of this.
Peanut Butter Filling
4 ounces or 1/2 package of Philly cream cheese

1 cup creamy peanut butter
2 cups powdered sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
a few tablespoons milk
Use your favorite blender to cream together cream cheese and peanut butter. Add powdered sugar (a little at a time or else you'll end up looking like the ghost of christmas past). Add vanilla. Add milk until you reach the desired consistency (pssst, the desired consistency is just a bit softer than the creamy peanut butter started, I think I added around 5 tbsp milk, but whatever.) Cover and stick in refrigerator until firm. Meanwhile....
b. Fill these with a tsp. or so of your favorite melted chocolate. Use the spoon to nudge a little chocolate around the sides so you end up with a little chocolate cup. (Don't worry, this isn't rocket science, just smear the chocolate around a little) Let set. They don't have to be completely set unless you're OCD like me :).
c. Form peanut butter filling into balls about 3/4 inch in diameter, or more, depends how much peanut butter you like. I used a baby spoon and it worked great. Drop the little peanut buttery goodies into the chocolate cups and press down to flatten. Cover in more melted chocolate. Let set (completely this time). EAT 'EM UP!

4. This Place!!! They have the cutest stuff. I want it all!! But most especially, I want this.

5. Lasagna. I want some. RIGHT! NOW!

Happy weekend

K, I didn't want that "I'm so sad" crap at the top of my blog anymore. I am feeling better, not great, but better. I have just decided that I can't trick myself into believing that my life is perfectly fine the way it is, that I am in a totally good place, and that I am happy. Obviously it's not, I'm not, etc.... So, I'm going to go find somebody to talk to. See if I can't work through some of my underlying issues. I am also actively searching for a different living situation. I think it's time. Anyway, yeah, I'm ok. I'll get

Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I should wear a sign.
I'm having a hard time deciding to write this because I will undoubtedly cry more than I already have in the last ten minutes and I am still at work, so that could be awkward.

I've felt myself slipping the last few days. Back to that angry, sad, self-destructive Katy we all knew and hated a year or so ago. I don't know what's triggering it but I'm fighting it with everything I've got. I just can't seem to shake this feeling that I am indeed an immense failure. I can't shake the feeling that I haven't accomplished anything of value in the last 23 years. I've started hating myself again and therefore am hating everyone else. I'm snippy, I'm sullen, I'm hermitish. I don't want to see people, I don't want them to see me. If I am forced to see people, I don't want to talk to them, and they sure as hell better not talk to me.

I find myself asking what is the point in Katy? What is the point of me besides breathing others air, and filling a chair, in a classroom, at work, whatever. Why am I? The constant weight of uselessness is hanging over my head and it's making me tired.

And there....with the crying...bye.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Pretty Cupcakes

Monday, June 19, 2006
Wow...that's giant bag of M&Ms!!

Just kidding!! It's a cake!! Totally had you fooled though huh? I know I'm so tricky!

Hey yooooooou entertain meeeeeeeee....
It's a long boring day at work and NONE OF YOU are thrilling me with tails of your weekend. So I will have to thrill myself by thrilling you with tails of MY weekend. You asked for it.

Friday began one of two Fathers Day cakes. We made a cake for Julie's husband that looked like a giant bag of peanut M&M's and lots of little cupcakes to look like M&M's spilling out of said bag. It was great, and very low stress, and not terribly time consuming. Pictures are soon to come. We finished the M&M cake Saturday afternoon, then Julie went home to her baby's daddy and I got started on my daddy's cake. Now, I had not planned on making my dad a cake because I have always been under the impression that he doesn't like cake. Actually I was going to make him a meatloaf cake. Cuz he loooooves meatloaf. But meatloaf makes me gag so I decided against it. Then mom requested a spice cake with cream cheese frosting so I thought yeah that'll work, and be fast, and no big deal. So I whipped up the cake and the frosting (forgetting that I had very little powdered sugar in the house and hardly any coloring) so I ran to Julie's house, borrowed her black Americolor and stole a bag of powdered sugar. I figured I would do what is known in the cake world as a frozen transfer. That is when you invert the design you want on the cake, trace over it, and freeze it. Then invert it again onto the cake and peal off the paper and VOILA pretty picture. I had never done a frozen transfer before, and usually you would use buttercream, but I was using cream cheese frosting. Julie has done a couple frozen transfers so I figured if she could do it, I could do it. Heh...right. So I pipe out the design (Dogbert saying "Out! Out! You demons of stupdity!!) and stick it in the freezer. Ice the cake, with too soft icing, and remove the frozen transfer from the freezer. Now, I don't know if it was the cream cheese frosting or what but bitch would not freeze. Just got rubbery, which caused Dogbert to stretch, strangely. Pictures are not soon to come, because I didn't atke any, because it was bad and I am in denial. Was damn tasty though. Sunday I started feeling blah and today I continued feeling blah. I need a nap.

I'm going to a Garden Party Wednesday (insert eyes rolling here) and taking lemon cupcakes with lil white butterflies on it. They'll be cute. I'll post pictures.

Thursday, June 15, 2006
Princess Penelope

Isn't she pretty? I haven't managed to actually upload any songs or anything to her yet. Apparently my computer had like 5 GB of music stored on it so when I told it to upload my music files it just pointed and laughed. So I'm filtering through my music collection trying to decide what I want to put on her. Fot the time being she just sits there and looks shiny

Monday, June 12, 2006
Since blogger, ya know, SUCKED last week, here is a brief recap,

Wednesday, did the karaoke thing. Very fun. I’ll probably go again, though I will have a play list already in my head and probably go over the words once or twice.

Thursday, uhm…yeah, what happened on Thursday. Did anything happen on Thursday? Apparently not. Moving on.

Friday. Hell. Friday sucked a little. My mom has been more on the “get Katy married” track than usual. Well, I don’t know if she’s pushing more or if I’m just unusually sensitive. Anyway, every time me and my single status comes up I just clam up. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to fuel her fervor, I don’t want any advice from a woman who hasn’t dated in over 30 years. I know she just wants me to be happy and all, but really, it just makes me feel like some kind of failure. Sometimes the best way to deal with her is to just not talk to her, at least that’s my way. If I thought I could say what I needed to say and that she’d listen without getting all defensive and that we’d both come out of it on the other end unscathed, I’d talk. But I know that won’t happen, so I just sit back and let her think she knows best. See, I’m scared of being alone for the rest of my life. She knows that and seeks to rectify the situation by finding me a mate. The problem is, that I can be in a room full of people that love me and still feel 100% alone. What I need to work on isn’t finding someone to complete me, it’s completing myself. I get a little better every day, but it’s a long road, and I’m not at the end yet. So, in my mind, finding someone to share myself with when I’m not yet a whole and complete person would be a terrible mistake.

Becky says I need to move out to find myself, Jon seems to think that being a business owner will succeed in giving me that sense of self-worth I long for, my dad thinks I need to stay home and finish school and then I can get on with my life, and my mom wants me to stay her little girl, forever and then some. My problem is I don’t know what I need, and having four people drag me different directions is only succeeding in tearing apart my already tenuous grasp on my self. It’s rough. But I’ll figure it out.

After all that I had to get out of town for a bit, as much as I love my family, I needed to be away from them for awhile, so Julie, and I went to SG with her little boy. We had a good time. I bought an MP3 player, which I got home and realized won’t work on my computer. Bummer. It needs Windows XP and I have Windows 2000 Professional. So I’m going to take it back and get and IPOD Nano. Why am I dropping 150 bucks when there is possible moving out to be done? Because I wanna dammit. Besides, I have way more to figure out before the tentative moving out occurs.

So anyway, I’m annoyed, torn, and MP3 playerless. I’m gonna go live in a cave.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Tasty Salad
This is the salad I made for lunch today. It was helluh tasty so I though I would pass it along. This is a single serving and not a very big one cuz I don't eat tons...I wish I had more though, not cuz I'm still hungry because it was good :)

Marinate 1 boneless skinless chicken breast in Lawry's Sesame Ginger Marinade. Damn, that's stuff's tasty. I marinated mine for a couple hours but whatever.

Grill chicken. (That blackened flavor makes it extra tasty.)

Cut up half of chicken breast into large dices, reserve other half for another salad or for a snack later. (I actually used the left overs from the previous nights dinner)

2 parts Lawry's Sesame Ginger Marinade (not the stuff you used to marinade the chicken, throw that away or you'll get salmonella and die)
1 part extra virgin olive oil.
A few healthy dashes of soy sauce (to taste)

Parmesan Crisp:
6 tbsps fresh grated Parmesan Cheese
Black pepper, paprika, or whatever sounds tasty.

Preheat oven to 300

Scoop Parmesan a tbsp at a time onto a baking sheet, lined with a silpat or parchment paper (to prevent sticking) flatten mounds out until they are 2-3 inches in diameter, making sure there is about 2 inches between the circles, sprinkle with seasoning, or just leave plain. Bake 6-10 minutes until crispy.

Salad Assembly:
Toss together a couple handfuls of your favorite greens, the chicken, and the dressing until everything is well coated. Top with a crisp and some slivered almonds. Dig in.

Monday, June 05, 2006
I want a waffle.
Usually I am not a big breakfast type eater. Until today, which is the first day of the new diet, which means I couldn't have an Eggo smothered in buttery syrupy goodness even if I wanted too. So I settled for a sugar free jell-o cup. Yeah, I know that's not exactly eating smarter or healthier or whatever, but it's fast and portable, and I am most certainly NOT a morning type. Sugar free jell-o it is. At least I'm eating something right? Also, because my two beverages of choice are now off limits I have moved on to the Diet Peach Iced Tea, more fake sugar, more headache making.

It used to be that I could decide I wanted to lose 10 pounds and they would be gone. Like just my brain going through the motions of making a fat related choice, chased the fat away. Not so any more my friends. Not so. So this is my first official diet. Full of veggies, and meat, and low fat dressing, and fake sugar. Wish me luck. I get the feeling my blog is turning into a food blog. I guess that's ok.

In non-food related news, uhm... (sorry having a hard time getting past the need for Dorritos) my boss is sick. Which means I'm bored. Not that I would be more or less busy if boss were here, just not by myself in my big huge office. People keep coming and asking me to do things that A) I don't know how to do, and B) I'm not even allowed to do, and then being annoyed that I'm less than helpful. Oh well, they can wait a day. So I'm blogging, checking out South Beach friendly food, fixating on the fact that I can't have a cracker, or a red vine from the 2 pound bag sitting in my cupboard, and eating peanuts. Which is todays salty snack of choice.

I think I might have a date with the Karaoke DJ that missuzj mentioned. It will be in the couple weeks because he's a workaholic and doesn't know when he'll have a free night, but Beck, and E and Sean and I are going to double. Sounds like fun. He called last night at 1 in the morning to make plans but I was delerious. I think the extent of our conversation went something like this.

Phone: Doo doo doo doo doood doo do doo
Me: Whubbah? Huh? morning? no... phone... Sean. (answering phone) Hebwo?
Him: Hi.
Me: Meh
Him: You sound tired.
Me: mmm'ochay
Him: You sleep and I'll call you tomorrow.
Me: mmmm'ochay
Him: Bye.
Me: sssshyaah

See, I wasn't actually asleep, but I wasn't really awake much either. I was in that half and half place right before you fall asleep. The place where you see the monsters in your closet when you're a little kid, or if you're me, can't decide if the sound of your phone ringing is the alarm clock, or a UFO coming to get you but you're fairly certain that it's not your phone. Then my brain snaps on but my body fails to follow its lead. So you end up with your brain saying, "Hi Sean how are ya?" but a mouth saying "Meh" then you wake up and remember the conversation and how ridiculous you sounded and decide that if anyone asks you don't remember a thing, in fact your phone was abducted by aliens and they were probably talking to them because I was at home.

Katy wanna cracker.