Thursday, April 21, 2005
Eureka! Something to write about.
I'm mad at myself right now. I am in the midst of a breakdown, after who knows how many weeks of breakdownlessness. Ya see, there's this guy, well there was this guy, who I was all 32 flavors of freaking crazy about!!! I met him in 8th grade, he moved to my little town from Vegas over Christmas break and the first time I saw him I thought, "Yup, there's a Santa, and apparently I've been good." I was in 14 year old love. We dated off and on for the next five years, I wrote him while he was on his mission, true we had broken up brutally prior to his mission and he had found solace in the arms of MY BEST FRIEND!!!! But that's beside the point. I was still in love, he was the one, my wild oats were sown and I was ready to settle down and make a life together! But he didn't like the idea of his 18 going on 19 girlfriend in Tijuana on spring break sowing said oats. He knew I was going to Mexico!! What else are you supposed to do in Mexico??? It's not like I had sex or anything! Just got a little smashed and made out with some guy named Bill (I think it was Bill...?) Anyway!!! I digress. He dumped me (on my birthday I might add) and hooked up with evil hoe beast from hell (my EX best friend) and left on his mission. After I got over the being bitter I finally broke down and wrote him at the urging of my coworker, thank you very little!!! I was looking for closure! I sent "Dear Jerkface, Hope you have a nice life, it was fun while it lasted, good luck to ya! sincerely, The Best Thing That Never Happened To You!!" And got back "Dear Katy, I was so excited to get your letter, blah blah blah" and got feeling all freaking warm and fuzzy again. Bastard. So I kept writing, and sending care packages, and it was all "love you babe, can't wait to see you, miss you, blah blah blah" from both sides I might add, and I thought that evil hoe beast was out of the picture!!

So when he came home in August of last year I was so excited I couldn't handle myself! He was going to be at our mutual friends wedding open house thingy and I was too and we were gonna see eachother across the room and it was gonna be angels singing and stars shining and violins playing and we were gonna run into eachothers arms and all would be well in the world. Didn't go that way, we were at the same shin dig, and I did indeed see him across the room, but the angels turned to Harpies when I saw him holding E.H.B's hand so he came in one door and I went out the back door (yeah yeah chicken shit I know) I had the freaking five year plan!!! And him holding her hand was NOT the plan... AT ALL!!! But I was strong I went back, I said hi, I smiled at him through the crazy haze that seemed to have descended upon me, and the ASSHOLE hugged me!!! And he smelled so good, and looked so good, and FELT so good... And then thankfully, they left. And I went on my first date with this guy like an hour later (Crazy yes but another story entirely).

Next thing I know (literally), they're engaged and she's 4 months pregnant with someobdy else's baby. Can you say white knight syndrome???? I CAN!!!! So anyway, to the reason I'm mad at myself, I hadn't cried about the whole thing in a very long time. Having cried as much as I could over the PUNK in the 6 or so months following this whole fiasco. But tonight, I cried again, not a lot mind you, but too much. Our mutual friend at whom's wedding thingy we met, sent me a picture of the E.H.B's baby. The little shit was supposed to be ugly, but he's not. He's really cute, and it's not fair because I want one! And he's really happy. Which just pisses me off more because I'm just bitchy like that.


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