Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I should wear a sign.
I'm having a hard time deciding to write this because I will undoubtedly cry more than I already have in the last ten minutes and I am still at work, so that could be awkward.

I've felt myself slipping the last few days. Back to that angry, sad, self-destructive Katy we all knew and hated a year or so ago. I don't know what's triggering it but I'm fighting it with everything I've got. I just can't seem to shake this feeling that I am indeed an immense failure. I can't shake the feeling that I haven't accomplished anything of value in the last 23 years. I've started hating myself again and therefore am hating everyone else. I'm snippy, I'm sullen, I'm hermitish. I don't want to see people, I don't want them to see me. If I am forced to see people, I don't want to talk to them, and they sure as hell better not talk to me.

I find myself asking what is the point in Katy? What is the point of me besides breathing others air, and filling a chair, in a classroom, at work, whatever. Why am I? The constant weight of uselessness is hanging over my head and it's making me tired.

And there....with the crying...bye.


5 Comments:

K - I'm hearing me a few months ago - My doctor said it was depression and with the help of meds - I'm much much better. Don't wait until life is too out of control to talk to someone.

You are a special lady (heck I'm almost 20 years older than you and I can only claim the kids and grandkids to show for it) Hang in there and let me know if you want to escape to Florida for a few days - we have a spare room for you to crash in!

Blogger Missuz J said...

Call me? Love you.

Blogger ~A~ said...

Shit honey, you're only 23, give yourself some time, cut yourself some slack and give your sis a call.

(((HUGS)))

Blogger Diane said...

Growing Pains.
If you feel like you need to get help, by all means get it. I posted a blog on depression a couple weeks ago; you might want to go check it out.
I don't have any first-hand knowledge on anti-depressants; one person I know (my advisor in college, actually) was on them for a while. He said that the ones he was on stabilized his mood, but he couldn't feel happy as intensely as he could. He missed that, and got off of them. In any case, do some research on therapies and pick the one you think will work best for you.
If you don't want to talk to a therapist there are other alternatives: talking to friends, reading self-help books or listening to self-help tapes, doing volunteer work, etc.
Do you have an exercise regimen? Exercise is one of the biggest "uppers" for me.
These are just some ideas, and I'm in no way an expert on treating depression, but maybe there's something there that will get the ball rolling on you feeling better about yourself. The hardest thing about treating depression, I think, is realizing that you're the only one who can make you feel better. All the other techniques, therapies, etc., are just support for that.

Blogger NME said...

I'm so very sorry you are feeling depressed. I hope it's just a temporary slump in mood and soon your perception will be more positive. Because from where I'm sitting you are doing a fantastic job of balancing school, work and self construction. It can be hard at 23. I was undoubtedly a depressed mess because I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. But in retrospect you can see how much you were accomplishing. Wishing you well.

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