Since blogger, ya know, SUCKED last week, here is a brief recap,
Wednesday, did the karaoke thing. Very fun. I’ll probably go again, though I will have a play list already in my head and probably go over the words once or twice.
Thursday, uhm…yeah, what happened on Thursday. Did anything happen on Thursday? Apparently not. Moving on.
Friday. Hell. Friday sucked a little. My mom has been more on the “get Katy married” track than usual. Well, I don’t know if she’s pushing more or if I’m just unusually sensitive. Anyway, every time me and my single status comes up I just clam up. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to fuel her fervor, I don’t want any advice from a woman who hasn’t dated in over 30 years. I know she just wants me to be happy and all, but really, it just makes me feel like some kind of failure. Sometimes the best way to deal with her is to just not talk to her, at least that’s my way. If I thought I could say what I needed to say and that she’d listen without getting all defensive and that we’d both come out of it on the other end unscathed, I’d talk. But I know that won’t happen, so I just sit back and let her think she knows best. See, I’m scared of being alone for the rest of my life. She knows that and seeks to rectify the situation by finding me a mate. The problem is, that I can be in a room full of people that love me and still feel 100% alone. What I need to work on isn’t finding someone to complete me, it’s completing myself. I get a little better every day, but it’s a long road, and I’m not at the end yet. So, in my mind, finding someone to share myself with when I’m not yet a whole and complete person would be a terrible mistake.
Becky says I need to move out to find myself, Jon seems to think that being a business owner will succeed in giving me that sense of self-worth I long for, my dad thinks I need to stay home and finish school and then I can get on with my life, and my mom wants me to stay her little girl, forever and then some. My problem is I don’t know what I need, and having four people drag me different directions is only succeeding in tearing apart my already tenuous grasp on my self. It’s rough. But I’ll figure it out.
After all that I had to get out of town for a bit, as much as I love my family, I needed to be away from them for awhile, so Julie, and I went to SG with her little boy. We had a good time. I bought an MP3 player, which I got home and realized won’t work on my computer. Bummer. It needs Windows XP and I have Windows 2000 Professional. So I’m going to take it back and get and IPOD Nano. Why am I dropping 150 bucks when there is possible moving out to be done? Because I wanna dammit. Besides, I have way more to figure out before the tentative moving out occurs.
So anyway, I’m annoyed, torn, and MP3 playerless. I’m gonna go live in a cave.
Wednesday, did the karaoke thing. Very fun. I’ll probably go again, though I will have a play list already in my head and probably go over the words once or twice.
Thursday, uhm…yeah, what happened on Thursday. Did anything happen on Thursday? Apparently not. Moving on.
Friday. Hell. Friday sucked a little. My mom has been more on the “get Katy married” track than usual. Well, I don’t know if she’s pushing more or if I’m just unusually sensitive. Anyway, every time me and my single status comes up I just clam up. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to fuel her fervor, I don’t want any advice from a woman who hasn’t dated in over 30 years. I know she just wants me to be happy and all, but really, it just makes me feel like some kind of failure. Sometimes the best way to deal with her is to just not talk to her, at least that’s my way. If I thought I could say what I needed to say and that she’d listen without getting all defensive and that we’d both come out of it on the other end unscathed, I’d talk. But I know that won’t happen, so I just sit back and let her think she knows best. See, I’m scared of being alone for the rest of my life. She knows that and seeks to rectify the situation by finding me a mate. The problem is, that I can be in a room full of people that love me and still feel 100% alone. What I need to work on isn’t finding someone to complete me, it’s completing myself. I get a little better every day, but it’s a long road, and I’m not at the end yet. So, in my mind, finding someone to share myself with when I’m not yet a whole and complete person would be a terrible mistake.
Becky says I need to move out to find myself, Jon seems to think that being a business owner will succeed in giving me that sense of self-worth I long for, my dad thinks I need to stay home and finish school and then I can get on with my life, and my mom wants me to stay her little girl, forever and then some. My problem is I don’t know what I need, and having four people drag me different directions is only succeeding in tearing apart my already tenuous grasp on my self. It’s rough. But I’ll figure it out.
After all that I had to get out of town for a bit, as much as I love my family, I needed to be away from them for awhile, so Julie, and I went to SG with her little boy. We had a good time. I bought an MP3 player, which I got home and realized won’t work on my computer. Bummer. It needs Windows XP and I have Windows 2000 Professional. So I’m going to take it back and get and IPOD Nano. Why am I dropping 150 bucks when there is possible moving out to be done? Because I wanna dammit. Besides, I have way more to figure out before the tentative moving out occurs.
So anyway, I’m annoyed, torn, and MP3 playerless. I’m gonna go live in a cave.
6 Comments:
You know what I think you need to do? You need to start a Fight Club.
A LDS, girls only Fight Club.
That would be the raddest!
Just remember...no shirts, no shoes.
Yeah, what he said, but bras should be a must. If you have luck like mine, you'll end up having to fight some nasty old biker bitch who's bosoms have seen nicer times and hang to her knees. One swing with those knockers and you're a goner. Kicked out of your own fight club.
I often feel like I get lost in everyday stuff and other people's expectations, not feeling like I am who I am anymore. that's when I usually take a trip by myself. it makes me feel like I can take on anything that comes my way, that I don't NEED anyone (and therefore, the people who I surround myself are people I choose to have around, not people I need to have around) and makes me feel like a new girl.
other than that, all I can say is I hope you find what you're looking for soon, for your own sake, whatever that may be. we'll be reading and watching and supporting you all the way.
I love karaoke!
I'm sorry your getting the "get Kary married" pressure from your mom. It's very aggravating.
Moving out does gives you more room to explore who you are in the world. Stay in school though; if you can't afford it right away college loans are always helpful. No one says this, but you learn more outside the classroom in college than in. No one also told us that whoever told us the plan lied to us about how simple it is. (You know the plan: graduate from high school, go to college, get married, etc.)
I'm a big fan of the iPod. Go for the iPod!!!!
You're still in your cocoon - do what it takes to make your stay there more enjoyable - and then daydream and prepare for the day you pop out - at the time and under the circumstances only you decide.
And IPODS are nearly necessities nowadays.
No more advice from me--I promise.
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