Thursday, October 13, 2005
Lost chances
When I started back to school I thought I would have all sorts of blog fodder, it turns out, I was wrong. My days are filled with class this and work that and not much of anything fun in between. Well, not much of anything new and fun.

I've been thinking lately about missed oppurtunities. I don't know what brought it on but it's been on my mind. When I was going to school at Dixie I was something of a player. Within a week of living in the dorms I found myself in *gasp* a boys dorm, *another gasp* after curfew!! His name was Gator, well it wasn't really Gator, but I don't know what it really was. He had soft beer flavored lips and callused hands and made me feel like a goddess. His rough hands sliding across my bare belly and back made me feel things I had never felt before. Being the 18 year old novice that I was I got scared and ran away. That night I laid awake in my bed and tried to block out those wonderful, tingling feelings to no avail. A few hours later a light knock came to my door and I heard a familiar voice begging me to come outside. My roommate woke up and went to answer the door but I stopped her. I told her everything that had happened and she convinced me that I should never see him again. The next day while I was eating breakfast in the cafeteria he found me and brushed a kiss across my lips. I could feel myself turning red as he said "Hey runaway" in his smooth southern drawl. He sat down at the table with my roommates and I and the three of us stood up and left, leaving our cold cereal uneaten. I had convinced myself that he was nothing but trouble. Rightfully so as he was kicked out of the dorms the next week for drug use. So ends the tale of Gator.

The next missed oppurtunity is Ryan. *Sigh...* Ryan was 6'5" muscley and Irish. Oh he was hot. Such a sweetheart, but still with that bad boy persona. Ryan was great, everything I could have asked for, tall, dark, handsome. I still get a little twittery thinking about him. At first we were friends, really really good friends. We could talk about anything and we were always there for each other. Eventually our friendship developed into more. It was bound to happen. We were just that close. Neither of us ever said anything to each other but our friends could all tell something had changed in us. When we were together we were in our own little world, everyone could see we were made for eachother, everyone except for his girlfriend. I can't blame her, I wouldn't have wanted to give him up either. She had a very self destructive personality and we were both afraid of what she would do to herself if he left her so we kept our infatuation with each other on the back burner and did our best to ignore it. We found ourselves however searching out little reasons to be alone together. Nothing happened when we did manage to get alone. No more than innocent caresses and shy smiles. We would stay up late watching movies and then fall asleep next to each other. We always woke up wrapped in each others arms and then we'd laugh it off and go our seperate ways for the day. I was in a twisted masochistic kind of love. After months of stealing time I got frustrated. I knew he wouldn't leave her and I was sick of going home alone so finally one rainy night, I went to his apartment. He wasn't home so I sat outside his door and waited for him to come home. By the time he got there I was soaked and freezing. He hugged me and tried to warm me up but once he actually looked at me he could tell I was not in a snuggling kind of mood. I told him I couldn't be his friend anymore, that it was too hard to love him so much and watch him with her. That I wanted him to stay away from me. It was all very Dawson's Creek. He told me to wait just a minute, and ran off. I waited because part of me thought he'd come back and declare his undying love. When he came back he wrapped his arms around me, told me loved me, kissed me, and then said goodbye. Obviously we couldn't avoid each other, we had the same friends, I was managing Dracula, he was the title character, we saw eachother and pretended nothing had ever happened. I miss Ryan.

The last person I want to talk about is different than the other two. There was never anything between us. We were never even close to an item. But he was my friend. Cleet was strange as smoke. He was good looking but really really weird. He had a sprite bottle he kept full of vodka or whatever clear alcoholic beverage was his preference that he carried around all day. One day he was giving me a ride home from a dress rehearsal and he asked me out. I really really didn't want to go and luckily I was in full stage make-up and my pajamas so I had a reason to say no. I told him definitely another time. He dropped me off at my apartment, told me he thought I was the most special person he'd ever met and drove away. Two days later on his way to a friends wedding reception he got lost on the freeway and fell asleep at the wheel. He was missing for days because somehow he had ended up in Nevada instead of Utah. So much for some other time.

Today's thing I learned:
Well, at risk of sounding cheesier, Don't let good things slip buy. You may not have another day to make up for it.


Blogger Kodi said...

Katster, I don't know what to say. I ache. I have learned in my long 34 years that life is often painful, sad, depressing, and unfair. But it is also stunning, surprising, beautiful and full of second chances. After my first marriage collapsed after 6 long months, I thought I would never experience joy again. Then I had Kiri, and I discovered the happiness waiting inside of me. Inspite of all the sadness, you still glow, Katy. I love ya, girl

Blogger Diane said...

Well, it sounds like we're damned if we do, and we're damned if we don't!

I don't think there hasn't been an opportunity to do something that I haven't turned down (Hell, I've flown to Atlanta, GA to meet someone I knew only through e-mails and phone calls before. Not that it worked out.).

And yet, I'm still dissatisfied with my love life.

Curt is a prime example. I don't think I need to say further.

And forget about Handsome Rob. You need, want and deserve better.

Blogger patrice said...

Hi,'re so good at telling a story. I want to say this with utmost respect: it sounds like you're lamenting not having made these particular situations end differently. from a complete outsider perspective, I offer that these scenarios ended just as they should have. a man with a girlfriend he won't leave, a guy who used drugs, and a guy who carries vodka around all day are not the kinds of things you probably need to explore further.

I can tell, though, that you're lonely. lonliness does funny things to people sometimes.

Blogger Katy said...

The only one I really lament is Cleet and that's just because I was being such a snob. The other two aren't really regrets as much as what ifs. I was just thinking how boring my life had become since I started college and then remembered all the crazy things that went on the first time around. Thanks for your kind words though.

Blogger NME said...

Great post. Very emotional.
I often think back to certain periods of my life and think "WOW - who was that person?" because when life changes it makes somethings seem so far away. You are in a transitional stage of your life right now - in the cocoon per se - but soon enough big things will start happening and you'll be ready for them.

Blogger Katiemagic said...

NME is absolutely right. You seem to be assessing old behaviors, shedding old layers, and preparing for your new life. It's an important if somewhat tedious time and in my humble opinion you're doing everything right. I'm excited for you to see where this all will lead!

Blogger lonna said...

I was thinking along the same lines as Patrice. My last boyfriend before Ethan didn't have a job, so it was all my money. What was I thinking? But I learned a lot from that and moved on. The way I see is that we learn from all of this. I was a much stronger woman and much less willing to mother within my next relationship. Good luck. Things will change when you absolutely don't expect them to or once you are totally comfortable with where you are. Or at least that's how it usually goes.

Blogger Missuz J said...

I think that "I wonder what would have been" and "I can't believe I DID that" are two sides of the same coin.

You have such a sweet way with words--with letting your heart show. I love you!

Blogger Jazz said...

Wow, I could really feel with you reading these stories...poor girl! You seem to have experienced a lot, so you can at least be content to have experienced things like that.

Just saying hi again ~~

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