Friday, February 17, 2006
Today on my way to my PR class I heard a familiar voice. An unmistakable voice. A voice I have heard on countless occasions before. But at SUU? In a hallway? Without warning??? Gasp!!! K it really wasn't that bad. In fact I was excited to see owner of said voice. It was my old theatre guru Varlo. My buddy, my pal. He who gave me my scholarship and afforded me the year or so of partial independance I needed. He who believed in me. He who dared me to live my dream in spite of others wishes for me.

The man I let down.

My second year of school at Dixie things were not going well. I didn't have a job to speak of. My grades were slowly but surely swirling down the crapper. I was obsessed with 6'5" Irishman with a drug problem and a girlfriend. I was heading down a dangerous road physically, emotionally, and spiritually. By the time I left I was considering suicide on a daily basis. In short things were not good. My roommate and I were co-presidents of the DSC theatre association and we had a lot of responsibility. She however had a job and a string of boyfriends and though she helped where she could her priorities were elsewhere, while my obsessive compulsive, micromanaging, insanity had taken over and I had to be involved with each aspect of every character, scene, show...everything. Stupid stupid Katy.

The stress from not being able to pay my bills, added to the sheer exhaustion of spreading myself that thin had me on the razor's edge. I developed a mysterious pain in my back that the instacare doctor said was probably kidney stones but that there was "something strange" about my symptoms and wanted me to see another doctor. I wouldn't because I couldn't afford it so she gave me some drugs and said to deal. Stressed, sick, and exhausted, I dealt the best I could, still running around like a chicken with my head cut off. During one phone call to my sweet, amazing, wonderful mother asking her for money so I could eat, I completely broke down. Things were bad and I had finally snapped, she told me to come home and I said I'd think about it. After all, I had obligations. Obligations to people that didn't give a shit about me. But obligations none the less. I was set to direct Trojan Women the next semester. We had plans. With me gone and my co-president so busy, who was going to run the club? Then there was the lease on my apartment, the few friends, specifically Ryan who "needed" me, my education. Things didn't get better and in a move uncharacteristically sane, I sat Varlo down and told him I wouldn't be coming back the next semester. I had to be done for my health, and sanity. He understood. I know he did. But he was my mentor. He had given me a chance. He had cast the silly little freshman girl in the first show of the season. He had trusted me and I had backed down.

So I ran into him about an hour and a half ago. He gave me a hug. We exchanged pleasantries. I found myself rationalizing why I'm a Communications major instead of Theatre when he didn't even ask. I told him I was in Public Relations and that I hoped to work in the theatre world. Which is a lie, but I was desperate. I found myself searching for some wonderful bit of news to share. Something to show him that I was great. That I had overcome. That I Katy Smith, had conquered. The best I could come up with was, "Well, I don't cry all the time anymore". Which I guess, ultimately is pretty damn good.


"Well I don't cry anymore" is very very good!

You know you didn't let him down - you did what must be done to let you survive! Try to never go back to that stressed out mess again! After all you have the best blog therapist money could buy - FRIENDS!

Blogger Missuz J said...

It's up to you to decide if you're in a better place for YOU right now--not anyone else. Hang in there babe.

Blogger NME said...

I agree with Missuz. J. Though you looked up to Varlo and are thankful for the chance he gave you, you don't owe him your life. You live your life and ultimately you need to do what is best for you. As much as your life right now might not be your ideal, you are doing a helluva lot better - and you sound like you are in a much better place. Congrats and keep on movin!

Blogger lonna said...

As a college professor I just want my students to achieve their own goals. I know that it's not for me to decide how to use their talents. I can see why you felt some guilt when seeing him. I probably would have too. But believe me, he was probably just happy to see that you are in a better place emotionally and physically and that you have gone back to school.

Blogger patrice said...

I probably would have felt much the same as you if I were in your shoes. (which, by the way, holy shit.) but all these fine folks are right. and if he's the kind of guy you say he is, he probably isn't upset at all. after all, just because you give someone a shot doesn't mean it's going to work out the way you think it will. no one can predict the future.

you poor thing. that must have been freaky.

Blogger Peter said...

It takes alot of strength to make the hard decisions. Congrats on getting out before things got away

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